Do we adopt again?!

Growing up, I always pictured my future self married with two kids.  One bug loving' boy and one sweet as sin girl.  And a hyper pet monkey, but that is besides the point (yes, Amanda I still have that dream!).  I probably envisioned that because growing up it was always my brother and I.  We fought like siblings do, maybe more....but we always had each other to lean on, in good times and bad.  We always had a playmate, I could go into his room with my barbie dolls and try to marry his G.I.Joe's  almost just as often as he suggested playing ninja shooters on his bunk bed.  What a different life THAT era was, we had duffle bags of fake guns that looked real and would certainly get us arrested if we were outside with them in this day and age (Wow, I sound like an old person!).  That was my favorite game of childhood, hiding on the top bunk...crouched, peering out of the netted bed guard from the top bunk to see if he was coming around the corner, knowing I would never win.  "It was a good day...didn't have to use my AK".  OK, in all seriousness, those were my fondest memories, running around the bunk bed 'train' or around the neighborhood, not understanding why I couldn't take my shirt off and my brother and his friends all could, as we shot each other with water guns.  I loved having a sibling.  We would share our daily stories, occasionally talk each other into doing the other's homework, and had more inside jokes than me and my friends ever did.  He was stuck with me for life, and vice versa.  Though we got in our WWE matches, that he usually won, he also protected me.  Let's just say you did NOT mess with me.  Ever.  I had a protective brother and I wasn't afraid to use him!

And that went the other way, too.  Let's preface this with we went to a somewhat "rough" school, at least plenty of kids thought they were tough.  Including us, usually only in defense!  But, yes, both of us got into a few physical altercations.  Not proud of it, but it is the truth and paints the picture.  Picture it, Sicily... ;)  One day we were at the smoking section (yes, a lovely spot at school to enjoy your cancer sticks), and a fight broke out.  I don't remember all of the details, but I do remember seeing a guy sucker punch my brother from the back and as my 'fight never flight' instinct kicked in, I ran at the guy...picked up a plastic bottle and threw it at him to get him off my brother.  It worked!  But his lil girlfriend came out of nowhere at me, and my invincible self stared her in the eye and said, "I dare you to touch me!"  She did not take the dare.  That was my go-to attitude that my mother instilled in me.  Never act scared.  Most times I wasn't scared.  I was just ready.  Everyone screams to run and I look and the assistant principal, that I knew too well, was running on his way to this 20+ person brawl.  My brother and I were on a first name basis with him, because (sorry mom!) we were in the office weekly and usually thought making the class laugh was more important than learning.  He grabbed my brother by his shoulders and started screaming in his face.  I ran over and got in between then and screamed, "GET OFF MY  BROTHER!!!", lifting my 5'2" body as far up as I could to block him from my partner in crime. My brother says this is one of his favorite stories of me.  At the time I was probably 95 pounds soaking wet and he said it was the funniest thing in the world to see, his tiny little sister in her oversized flannel and combat boots protecting him form the powers that be.  We always had each other's back, I  never felt alone in the world, and I know no matter what, in the end, we will still always have each other.

Most of me wants that for lil bean (along with my own desire for another child, of course). No, I don't want her and her sibling's name to constantly be on the chalkboard,  or to come home with a bruise, explaining how they did not throw the first hit.  But it would be nice for her to have someone to snuggle up in her tent with to play or read (besides me, still too small to be eye level with the assistant principal, my legs are long enough to hang out of her favorite place to hide).  I want her to have someone to keep secrets with, share eye rolls with while I sing and dance around the house,  someone to run around the cul-de-sac with, while skinning knees and making memories.  Which brings me to the fact, yes, we have the best neighbors, yes we have awesome friends and even family that is close by.  But it isn't the same.  It is the next best thing, yes, and I truly believe she will have a wonderful life no matter what happens, with or without another lil nugget around.

During the first year of lil bean's life, I was pretty sure that would be it.  JUST ONE, thanks!  Adoption was a tough process,  is was expensive and, man those first few months of parenthood are tough!  I am still tired!!  But I have recently developed this nagging to adopt again and I am not sure if it is just 'baby fever' that people get just because, or a legit "let's figure out how to make this happen."  Obviously the decision is something the hubs and I have to make together,  and we are talking about it, doing the whole pro/con thing.  I have never been good at the pro/con list.  I am a feeler.  I get feelings and go with them.  It has worked out pretty well so far ;)  But money doesn't grow on trees and energy doesn't, either.  OH, how I wish a I had a hybrid money/energy tree!!

I have been praying about which way to go, listening for God's whispers, but hoping for his blood curdling scream to echo the answers in my head.  It is tricky with adoption, too, because you don't know how long it will take.  It happened crazy fast for us, which is not the norm.  It usually takes years...so there is that to take into consideration.  I have had the ol' eyes staring at the ceiling late nights thinking about this lately.  I asked Jesus to take the shaky wheel, but I keep grabbing it because I don't feel we are getting to our destination quickly enough.

Handing it back to the big man upstairs for today...He has driven me through a pretty amazing life so far.  Hmm, maybe he can make a pit stop at Krispy Kreme.

Wondering if there is a lil nugget in our future.
Bumpless Baby Mama