Getting the Call and the Hospital Stay

Where do I start?!  I guess getting the call.  I was enjoying a lunch after church with my friends and the phone rang.  It was a local unfamiliar number and my heart raced.  I had just been talking to my friend about how I had a dream she was coming June 29th and it was June 29th.  She stared at me and it took a second for me to pick it up, because I just knew.  "Hello?" came out in shakiness and I felt flushed.  The social worker told me to pack up and come down, as BM was in labor.  I hung up, my one friend got me a box to take my food and me and my friend's eyes welled up with a slight coat of tears.  This was it.  We hadn't gotten to actually installing the carseat yet, though it was IN the car, so we met my husband (who had been in class) at the house and my friend's husband and him did that and I went off to pack.  My emotions made me feel like a basket case.  I went from running around, throwing anything I could into my bag, unlike my usual OCD put-everything-in-little-packing-cubes-inside-the-suitcase-self.  I felt elated, then a second later found myself yelling at my husband to eat his pizza faster!  I didn't wanna miss this!  We were 4 hours away.  I didn't even know what I packed but made sure to get my phone and essentials.  The car already had the baby stuff in it, thank goodness!  We got in the car and headed out.  I felt relief, it had finally come.

Pretty good idea of what things were looking like.

The Birthmother had a long labor after her water broke, so needed a c-section. We had met with her and her family before delivery while she was feelin' good on epidural.  It was tough.  Her mother looked like she could bust out crying at any moment and when it was time for us to leave so the BM could rest, I walked out crying for her mother.  Something that was bringing us joy was bringing their family pain.  This is such an emotional process for everyone, and I can not imagine what it is like on the other end.  We slept one hour and then got the call, and the hospital set us up in our very own hospital room!!!  We met lil bean mere minutes after delivery, and got to watch her getting tested, cleaned and immediately feeling like we belonged together. I can not begin to express how amazing this hospital was.  A couple of the nurses were in families that had adopted, so not sure if that played into it, but we felt like we were more at a hotel than hospital.  They even gave us gifts- 2 blankets, outfits, bibs, hats, and she said she could tell I liked pink so everything was pink lol!  One nurse even came in when she wasn't working to chat with us before we were discharged.  

One of the nurses told us to go in (the day after birth) to visit the BM and give them their gifts (typical thing to do in open adoptions).  I had put together a spa package for her and they love the movies so we got them gift cards as well.  We went into the room and the air was filled with somber silence that quickly turned into our regret of visiting the room.  The birth grandmothers eyes were red from sadness and lack of sleep and everything at that moment was so real.  I asked BM how she was feeling (physically), gave the gifts and we made a quick exit.  The lump came back up my throat as I thought about everything she was going through.  I tried to shift focus, knowing there wasn't much I could do or say to her, though I desperately wanted to.  We grabbed lil bean from the nursery and cradled her, her alert eyes staring up at us, and melting our hearts.

My lactose intolerant heart is melting like butta.

The hospital was a decent time, we got ok sleep and my husband's sister and parents came to visit since they were nearby!  Everyone cautiously falling in love with her, knowing nothing is official until the revocation period is over.  Which haunts me as well.  This has been the longest week of my life.  The best and worst.  I am falling madly in love and scared shizzless that could be taken away.  I was never afraid we wouldn't bond, but now that it is here and real and we are bonding, I am hooked on lil bean.  My heart is full, and when the deadline hits, it will be bittersweet.  Overjoyed for us, and aching knowing the birthmother will have this on her heart the rest of her life.  We have gathered pictures of our first few days together to send her (an agency requirement), and pray for her every day.  I hope her seeing how loved lil bean is will comfort her.  For those of you who have showed your love via visits, calls, texts, fb comments, etc., you have no idea how much it means to us to know we not only have so much love to give her, but the outpouring of love from friends and family makes me wanna vomit...in a good way ;)  We have amazing people in our lives, and I have no doubt that if lil bean is forever with us, she will be surrounded by love on all sides.  

There is so much more to say about the first days of motherhood, I will save it for next post.  Being a first time mom is a riot and learning experience, for sure!  Please excuse any typos or half sentences, as my brain leaked out of my head around 4am ;)

Are you really here, lil bean???   Please say it is so.

Bumpless Baby Mama