First Annual Visit With Birth Parents

Been a hot minute!  Thank goodness a hot one, that means that YES, summer weather is finally here. Having a newborn sometimes involves hibernation, especially for germaphobes like myself.  As she got older the germ fears lessened, but just add WINTER in the mix and it can make for a homebound team of two most days.  Now that the snow has melted and sun is shining, we have been taking lots of fun journeys, from the zoo to the beach!  I don't want being a stay at home mother to be like a  groundhog day of yoga pants and Starbucks, so I now have a new saying every day that I wake up.  "Lil bean, what will today's special adventure be?"  She can only say a few words and 'mama, dada and up' can only take you on so many adventures.  That being said,  I decide for us.  No, we don't have to swing from vines for it to be adventurous, but I refuse to sit inside when that fireball is willing to shoot Vitamin D into our veins.

Don't worry, me and my matching pasty daughter are well protected with SPF.  Speaking of protection...

We are off to our once a year visit with the birthparents this weekend.  The long awaited trip.  It seemed so far off and so...not real...until the birthmother wanted to bring half of her family, including both of her parents.  And her new boyfriend.  This is where shit gets tricky.  This is the stuff you aren't prepared for, and from the outside may not seem a big deal, or may seem a bigger deal than I think it is.  My laid back husband, well, is laid back and always has faith it will just work out however it plays out.  I am a planner.  I planned to meet with birth mama and birth papa and say "HEY, lil bean is doing great and maybe an oh wow, she really does have your eyes.  A nice lil hug at the end, a shared story about how the birthfather hates green beans, too.  But I didn't expect to be in a position where I have to say to someone who gave birth to my child that she could not bring 6 people to our meeting.  Do you know how awful that feels, yet at the same time you have this overwhelming protection over your child, all of these thoughts!  I can spit out a few of them for you:  You got time?

-  Statistically, it is not uncommon of birth parents to move on/not keep contact with the adopted child after a few years.  So not only could THEY disappear, but the other people they invite every year would likely disappear too.  As a child of 3 divorces, I do  not like people disappearing, I hold on tighter to people than most, and if you hurt me I will cut you off to make sure you don't leave me first.  The whole "I leave you before you leave me" predictable psych 101 child of divorce syndrome crap.

Lame, but I have it, so I will do everything in my power to let lil bean avoid the "Why don't they want to see me anymore?"  question.  And if the birth parents do move on in life and lose touch, I'd like it to just be 1 or 2 people and not an entire tribe.  Open adoption was a choice we made after reading 580,039 books on how good it is for everyone.  I hope those books are right.

- We signed an agreement with the birthparents and the birthparents only.  I get having the birthmother's mom and dad there as support, but the social worker's gossip (she sure is chatty!) of legal matters between the birth grandparents that I will not disclose for privacy, has my leash pulling my bean in tight, not knowing what to expect.

- A few of my friends and family have said, 'be careful, don't let her out of your sight!, hold her tight!" etc.  Some are partially joking, some serious, some probably not sure if they should be serious or not.  I hadn't really thought of it, one friend asked if I was going to let the birthmother hold her.  I feel like of course, she gave birth to her.  But how crazy to think they are mostly strangers to her.  Will she cry when they hold her like she often does with new people?  Will she feel a familiarity to their voices, an unspoken bond?  And in the .000000000000000000000000001 chance that some people are worried the birth family would take off with her, I am VERY VERY fast.  And Italian.

I could go on and on with all of the emotions that I feel now and wondering which ones I will feel this weekend.  Plan for the worst, hope for the best, that is what 'they' say, right?!  OK I will bring my running shoes, but hope to not have to use them.  I joke I joke.  As much as I think I am tough-skinned,  from experiencing our first birth parent meeting with her where the birth mother and I shared a tissue box, all fears or the feeling of needing to go into major protection mode may vanish when I see lil bean's blue eyes and reddish hair reflecting back at me in the young woman standing before me.

I hope you can run as fast as me and Forrest ;),
Bumpless Baby Mama