Surprise Gifts from Birth Grandma???

OK, so I want to be cool about all this open adoption thing.  It is supposed to be very good for the child and birthmother, and I want that.  But last night we received a package, marked from our agency's social worker.  I was like OH how nice, as I opened it, seeing multiple stuffed animals, a Baby's First Christmas Ornament and then a letter.  I was thinking, well this seems excessive for an agency to send.  Bumpless mama opened that letter up, and as I read, realized it was from the birth grandmother, not even the birthmother.  Don't get me wrong, my heart bleeds for her and I know it is hard, but I think the agency would have warned us.  Or asked us even.  We have not seen them since lil bean was born, no contact, just our sending letters and pics once a month, as we signed on for.  I am ok with lil bean getting a gift from their family once a year or so, but it was never discussed.  It felt very weird opening such an intimate package, with a letter saying how one of the dolls was the birthmother's favorite growing up, etc, and she wanted the birthgrandma to send it. I am only human and it felt weird.

Backup to when bumpless mama was 14 and we moved.  My mother may or may not have accidentally thrown ALL my old dolls away on accident during the move, my bad for putting them in a trash bag.  So it is like I don't even have one of my old dolls to give lil bean, I feel weird giving her one from her birthmother.  Is that wrong?  I feel guilty even writing it, but it is my raw emotion and that is what this blog is about.  It seems harmless and I know it is out of love, but I may tuck it away for when she is older.

This is not as easy as I thought.  I did not know we would be sent gifts, I was not prepared for that.  Which is why I wrote the agency social worker saying if she wouldn't mind next time letting me know we are getting a package (marked from THEM) that is actually an emotional box to open from the birth family.  It feels even weirder coming from the birth grandma.  Not that it is bad, just even more surprising.  She wrote back saying she was sorry that she tries to but must have forgotten getting all of the Christmas gifts to send out.  Was that her making a point that everyone does this?  Whether it was or not I wrote back that we were never even asked if gift exchanging

was ok, that in our agreement it was us sending letters and pics then seeing each other once a year at the agency.  I said we are ok with it maybe once a year, but seeing as though some people may not be, they really should ask people ahead of time if it is ok with them.  It was never mentioned to me I'd get a package on my stoop, opening the wound I felt as I looked into the birth family's eyes while we sat in the hospital.  I guess this is adoption.  Expect the unexpected.  There are no boundaries, you create them yourself, which is hard.

It is hard because you want to be loving.  As an empathic (to the max!) person, my heart often feels other's pain.  That is why it feels so weird for me to feel like this.  I can't imagine the pain on their end, but something feels so weird about giving a baby's first christmas ornament (which I clearly already got her lol) and the BM's old dolly to my lil bean.  I am the mother and I have to make these decisions, and they are hard.  What is best for her?  I don't want to be selfish, but I also want boundaries.  I want to know why my heart pangs as I write this.  I feel guilty and protective and confused.  I feel their pain and I feel mine.

Nobody said adoption was easy.  No real handbook.  Like any other part of life, we will figure it all out.  Comments welcome :)

I want you to have MY dolly, lil bean!  Sorry grandma thought it was trash ;)
Bumpless Baby Mama