How to Answer the Question, "Why Are You Adopting?"

Today I had the pleasure of my first 'bad reaction' to adopting.  I was at work and a woman came in, that I have only met once before.  She has a lovely British accent, so that somehow made me feel like I could cut her some slack.

What are the odds I'd find THIS random thing (I AM an old bean!!)

I don't normally mind discussing adoption, or why we are adopting for that matter.  In my case it has never felt like a disappointment, or a last resort.  As I have mentioned, I have considered it since childhood and believe God has a plan for all of us and we can not be disappointed.  And how can any child be a disappointment!  Children are miracles.  So back to the lady with the lovely accent.  She asked what's been going on in my life, anything knew?  I said we are in the pool for adoption.  She cut me off, "WAIT!  you mean, for a child??"  I said yes with a grin and she said a soft..."oh."  I said, yes we are very excited!"  She lowered her voice, "Why do you have to do that?"  I responded, "Well we don't HAVE to do anything, we chose to.  I, myself, have always considered it and to get personal, I had a procedure done that left us with a very high risk of a not so healthy pregnancy, so the natural choice was adoption."  She stared off..."Well isn't there anything you can do?!"  I said, "Yes we are doing it."  She said, "No no, like at least surrogacy??"  Her tone was worse than her words.  Her words were ok coming from someone that knew me better, I felt like it was a little personal for most people.  I myeslf, am pretty blunt and open, so I don't mind answering, but I was thinking, good thing she is asking ME this stuff, and not some of the adoptive parents I have met.  Especially people who have gone through many miscarriages, infertility or can not afford to try anymore.  If I were in their shoes, this could have been a very uncomfortable conversation.  So I ended with the answer to her question "Isn't there anything else you could do?  It just seems so sad you won't have your own children"  with a smile and an honest answer, "Well, he or she WILL be our child.  And we want to adopt.  We are excited to adopt!  There are many children out there that need good homes and we believe we can provide a nice, loving, fun life for a child.  I don't care if they have my eyes, or my husband's smile.  I care that they have a beautiful life."  BOOM, eat that while you drink your tea!

SURE, looking back at our own features would be fun and cute and icing on the cake, but that has never been what creating a life or family is for either of us.

So here are some nice answers for those who are not close to us but want details on why you are adopting:

"Why are you adopting?" : "Because there are many children out there who need good homes and we feel we can provide that for them."  

"But, can you not have children?" : "We are having children." 

"But, biologically?" "We are having children how we choose to have children." or you can point to your heart and say, "They will be coming out RIIIGHT here!"  I have used that one.  I know most people are not odd enough to do so.

Hopefully they would get it at that point.

I know people are curious by nature.  I am, too.  But I have learned through this process, if you do not know someone well, just do not ask this personal of a question.  People will tell you if they want to share with you, trust me.  You know if you are close enough to ask these kinds of questions.  Some people like me may feel fine discussing it, but some may not.  So err on the side of caution.  Lots of people adopt because they have fertility issues, other people just want to give a child a nice life, and some may be a combination like us.  So just assume it is one of those 3 lovely answers.  And hug them and support them and be excited with them!  A baby is a baby wherever they may come from. 

I feel you growing in my heart every day, lil bean!

Bumpless Baby Mama