Five Things Not to Ask an Adoptive Parent (unless it is me): and why adoptive parents may find the questions offensive.
I will preface this with these seem to be things that really bug the crap out of adoptive parents that I have spoken with, social workers and the adoption agencies. People (not all!) seem to get quite angry or offended when asked these questions. I, myself, see how they definitely can be offensive or intrusive, but understand why people ask. People are curious by nature. People do not always know the pc way of asking questions. People haven't gone through courses that teach to you never refer to the birth mother as "giving up" a child, only as "placing a child." People are ignorant, and I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. So, here we go. If you have these questions, ask me instead :)
1.) "How much is/was your baby?" I actually am guilty myself of this because as a 'jokester' I often refer to my adoption as, 'I am buyin a baby!" The difference, I guess is I am being sarcastic and extreme for effect because clearly I think I am funny, but I have seen people's offended faces even when I say that, so maybe I will stop. Or not. I am the one buyin the damn thing (see, "the damn thing" for effect ;)). OK, OK, back to the task at hand. So I have had some people just flat out ask, "How much is it (the child) going to be?" Some people, sweeten it up with confectioners sugar on top, "If you don't mind me asking, what will the costs for agency and legal fees be?" I myself am an overly honest and forthright person, so I have never been bothered by this but TRUST ME even if they don't act it, a lot of people are bothered by this question. AP (adoptive parents) are bothered by this because a.) Money is a very personal thing to a lot of people, do we as easily go around asking how much someone's car is? Probably not, because we generally know a car price or can look it up on Honda.com. With adoption, the range is so wide you could never really guess the cost. So people are curious. But I would avoid asking this one. If you are really interested you can get ranges online and search by agency adoptions or private adoptions. Or ask me, the human adoption information booth. b.) That being said, this process is not like purchasing a car, and APs don't like to view this whole thing as a business transaction. You are talking about their child, a life. We do not buy the child, we pay for legal fees, agency fees, and sometimes birth mother fees. It may feel as weird as asking how much someone's c-section was, or the lingerie they wore the night it happened. Ah, if it were only that much. c.) This is the only one that really applies to me. It is a reminder of just how much the process costs. It is an entire bottle of Morton's salt in my fresh money leaking wound!!! Is it worth it? Of course! Doesn't make you not shriek when you think about handing over life savings, though. But clearly there is no better way to spend life savings on well...a life!
2.) "What is he/she?" (assuming asking ethnicity) This one is very offensive to everyone I have spoken to. It has been brought up in our classes, my APs I have talked to. This can just as well be asked of biological children, and should not be asked regarding them either. Asking 'what' a child is never goes over well with parents. I read a blog from an adoptive mother that said she was SO sick of people asking this and finally one day at the store after a woman asked, the AM looked at her son, "Why don't you tell her WHAT you are?" Not knowing what he would say, she watched..."I am IRON MAN!!!" That is one of my favorite stories ever. If you are that eager to know what ethnicity the child is, simply start with a compliment and end with the question, "What a beautiful child, do you mind sharing what ethnicity he/she is?" I do believe often times, people are curious because the child is so beautiful/looks exotic, but how they word it causes the AP to receive it negatively.
3.) "How could someone give this baby away?" Although this seems like a sweet thing to say, complimenting the child, it is not received that way in 'our world'. Birth mother's are often given a bad name. Placing a child up for adoption (yes look at me using the PC word placing!) is a very SELFLESS act. That may sound odd to some, but it is. If you are a mother or know a mother, you know your bond starts from the time they are in your stretched out belly. So, sit and imagine having to give your child to someone else. For life. No woman would just choose to do that. These women go through heart ache and pain assessing whether or not they believe they have the capacity to care for their child the way that child deserves to be cared for. Or even survive. They didn't just 'give away' their baby like it was an old pair of shredded bell bottoms. This was a decision they took time to take and will haunt them for the rest of their lives. And the stigma of birth mothers that place, being 15 years old is a thing of the past. Sure, it happens occasionally, but since society developed and Teen Mom graced our screens, it has become more and more acceptable for teens to keep their children. The average age of BMs (birth mothers and bowel movements) is mid 20's-30. In a lot of cases they can not take care of their child financially. In some cases, mentally. There are many reasons, but "I just don't want this baby" doesn't seem to be one of them. I honestly didn't know until I went through the educational classes that BMs had such a negative stigma, but apparently they do. But as APs are educated, many become defensive and even protective of their BMs, so don't be surprised if you ask this question and get a defensive answer back. Keep in mind a large amount of adoptions are open, meaning the AP are in touch with the BM and/or BF., some consider them friends. That discussion will get its own lil post :)
4.) "Where are his real parents?" BOIIIIING strike that chord! If you really wanna stab the AP in the chest ask this one! The answer is RIGHT HERE. APs are the real parents. I get what you mean, but we are some sensitive mofos so use the correct word, "biological parents" and you won't get jabbed in the Trachea. Keep in mind many APs have gone through fertility and issues having biological children, so reminding them of what they feel is inadequacy is a big no no! Other similar questions that even I will probably scrunch my face at are, "Does it feel like he/she is your own?" or "Do you think you will get pregnant now, that is how it works sometimes!" "Can you not have kids or something?" Just don't. I did not even go through fertility and don't love these questions, so I can imagine those that HAVE gone through fertility, etc., may feel uncomfortable. And by feel uncomfortable I mean may go home and weep.
5.) "Does this baby know how lucky she is?" She will probably feel crazy lucky at age 5 and like nobody understands her at age 15, just like any other child, but we definitely know how lucky we are.
Future Real Parent of Iron Man or Wonder Woman,
Bumpless Baby Mama
Wow, this info is interesting.
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