There are a ton of thing in life in general that we never think will happen to us, or things we will never 'do' and we end up doing them. Like dating that guy who had jail tatooed in his mouth. In the adoption world it seems quite common that "never" turns into reality. Here is one of the choices #adoptiveparents say they will never do but end up doing. I will add more as I experience them :)
Having an open adoption: a very common one! I am guilty of this one myself! When entering into the adoption world, I was hell bent against #openadoption (where the child and adoptive parents are in touch with the birthmother/parents). I didn't even realize how common it was, but did not get it at all. Wouldn't that confuse the child?!? What if my child ends up wishing they still lived with their #birthmother and down the road they use it against me? Though I threatened to run away to my dads as a teenager, guess it isn't too different ;) What if the birth mother changes her mind and breaks into our house and kidnaps the child at 3 am, ski mask on and my child's face becomes placed on milk cartons around the US and next thing you know I am writing a weepy novel! These extreme thoughts did not seem that extreme to me before we were educated by our agency classes. We read a pile of books and articles on benefits of open adoption, risks of open adoption, history of open adoption, how open is open adoption, are you open to open? Then open your heart to open! There is tons of research backing up the fact that it is really good for everyone, especially the child, to have at least #semi-openadoption, which is what we are doing. This is where you send pictures and letters and maybe have a visit with the birthmother a year. We chose to start with that. Having an open adoption gives the child answers to their questions, closure and who doesn't want another person in their life to shower them with love, hugs and pride?! Lord knows I will take all of that I can get! I have 2 ex step-moms and let them continue to love the hell outta me though they are long gone from our family unit! SURE, there are risks with open adoption, especially with more frequent contact, but overall research proves open adoption to be more beneficial than risky. Kind of like falling in love. Even if that crap goes sour you get something out of it!
Now, some people choose to have open adoption like hhhhaard core open adoption, as in monthly dinners at Aunt Tilda's, pictures with Mickey Mouse and birthmom?! at Disney , Birthmom stockings hung by the chimney with care on Christmas, and watch as birthmama helps blow out your 6th bday candles! To me, I would not feel comfortable or like that was necessary, but more power to the people who want that relationship. People describe some birth mothers as their extended family. Which makes sense since, technically you are related, your lil bean came straight outta their...umm...love bucket! But as far as what the hubs and I are comfy with, I do not plan on that ever happening (maybe another never say never post??). That being said, it isn't always our choice anyway. Sometimes birthmothers are more present in the beginning, especially in the first year for all of the milestones, watchin lil bean's first spit ups and waddles, and through the healing/letting go process. Often times then then drift away because a) it is too hard on them to stay in the child's life, even if it is a small amount or b) they 'move on' with their own life, maybe they get married and have children when they are more capable of caring for a child or 3) other reasons I do not know yet. That is a risk you take with open adoption, because yes, that may be strange/hard on the child for the birthmother to disappear. This tends to happen in the earlier years when the child isn't that aware. So you have to weigh for yourself which is more important to you as far as the pros and cons of open adoption. There are TONS of articles and research online discussing this subject. So, if you are adopting, go grab yourself a huge bowl of ice cream, maybe some relaxing wine and type Open Adoption into your lil google page. Good luck out there! You may fall in!
I got plenty of moms, what is a visit with one more!? Me and all your stepgrandmoms are waiting, lil bean,
Bumpless Baby mama
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