Do we adopt again?!

Growing up, I always pictured my future self married with two kids.  One bug loving' boy and one sweet as sin girl.  And a hyper pet monkey, but that is besides the point (yes, Amanda I still have that dream!).  I probably envisioned that because growing up it was always my brother and I.  We fought like siblings do, maybe more....but we always had each other to lean on, in good times and bad.  We always had a playmate, I could go into his room with my barbie dolls and try to marry his G.I.Joe's  almost just as often as he suggested playing ninja shooters on his bunk bed.  What a different life THAT era was, we had duffle bags of fake guns that looked real and would certainly get us arrested if we were outside with them in this day and age (Wow, I sound like an old person!).  That was my favorite game of childhood, hiding on the top bunk...crouched, peering out of the netted bed guard from the top bunk to see if he was coming around the corner, knowing I would never win.  "It was a good day...didn't have to use my AK".  OK, in all seriousness, those were my fondest memories, running around the bunk bed 'train' or around the neighborhood, not understanding why I couldn't take my shirt off and my brother and his friends all could, as we shot each other with water guns.  I loved having a sibling.  We would share our daily stories, occasionally talk each other into doing the other's homework, and had more inside jokes than me and my friends ever did.  He was stuck with me for life, and vice versa.  Though we got in our WWE matches, that he usually won, he also protected me.  Let's just say you did NOT mess with me.  Ever.  I had a protective brother and I wasn't afraid to use him!

And that went the other way, too.  Let's preface this with we went to a somewhat "rough" school, at least plenty of kids thought they were tough.  Including us, usually only in defense!  But, yes, both of us got into a few physical altercations.  Not proud of it, but it is the truth and paints the picture.  Picture it, Sicily... ;)  One day we were at the smoking section (yes, a lovely spot at school to enjoy your cancer sticks), and a fight broke out.  I don't remember all of the details, but I do remember seeing a guy sucker punch my brother from the back and as my 'fight never flight' instinct kicked in, I ran at the guy...picked up a plastic bottle and threw it at him to get him off my brother.  It worked!  But his lil girlfriend came out of nowhere at me, and my invincible self stared her in the eye and said, "I dare you to touch me!"  She did not take the dare.  That was my go-to attitude that my mother instilled in me.  Never act scared.  Most times I wasn't scared.  I was just ready.  Everyone screams to run and I look and the assistant principal, that I knew too well, was running on his way to this 20+ person brawl.  My brother and I were on a first name basis with him, because (sorry mom!) we were in the office weekly and usually thought making the class laugh was more important than learning.  He grabbed my brother by his shoulders and started screaming in his face.  I ran over and got in between then and screamed, "GET OFF MY  BROTHER!!!", lifting my 5'2" body as far up as I could to block him from my partner in crime. My brother says this is one of his favorite stories of me.  At the time I was probably 95 pounds soaking wet and he said it was the funniest thing in the world to see, his tiny little sister in her oversized flannel and combat boots protecting him form the powers that be.  We always had each other's back, I  never felt alone in the world, and I know no matter what, in the end, we will still always have each other.

Most of me wants that for lil bean (along with my own desire for another child, of course). No, I don't want her and her sibling's name to constantly be on the chalkboard,  or to come home with a bruise, explaining how they did not throw the first hit.  But it would be nice for her to have someone to snuggle up in her tent with to play or read (besides me, still too small to be eye level with the assistant principal, my legs are long enough to hang out of her favorite place to hide).  I want her to have someone to keep secrets with, share eye rolls with while I sing and dance around the house,  someone to run around the cul-de-sac with, while skinning knees and making memories.  Which brings me to the fact, yes, we have the best neighbors, yes we have awesome friends and even family that is close by.  But it isn't the same.  It is the next best thing, yes, and I truly believe she will have a wonderful life no matter what happens, with or without another lil nugget around.

During the first year of lil bean's life, I was pretty sure that would be it.  JUST ONE, thanks!  Adoption was a tough process,  is was expensive and, man those first few months of parenthood are tough!  I am still tired!!  But I have recently developed this nagging to adopt again and I am not sure if it is just 'baby fever' that people get just because, or a legit "let's figure out how to make this happen."  Obviously the decision is something the hubs and I have to make together,  and we are talking about it, doing the whole pro/con thing.  I have never been good at the pro/con list.  I am a feeler.  I get feelings and go with them.  It has worked out pretty well so far ;)  But money doesn't grow on trees and energy doesn't, either.  OH, how I wish a I had a hybrid money/energy tree!!

I have been praying about which way to go, listening for God's whispers, but hoping for his blood curdling scream to echo the answers in my head.  It is tricky with adoption, too, because you don't know how long it will take.  It happened crazy fast for us, which is not the norm.  It usually takes years...so there is that to take into consideration.  I have had the ol' eyes staring at the ceiling late nights thinking about this lately.  I asked Jesus to take the shaky wheel, but I keep grabbing it because I don't feel we are getting to our destination quickly enough.

Handing it back to the big man upstairs for today...He has driven me through a pretty amazing life so far.  Hmm, maybe he can make a pit stop at Krispy Kreme.

Wondering if there is a lil nugget in our future.
Bumpless Baby Mama

The Truth About Being a Stay at Home Me

It has been a sizzling hot minute since my fingers anxiously tapped against the keys, excited to share good news, spill my nervous heart out, or post funny pictures to soften adoption and motherhood's intensity.  I started reading a book recently that had a voice similar to mine, and it made me miss writing.  Writing is like Xanax for me.  No, I have never taken it to really know, but I imagine it is similar, only I don't have to swish it down my throat with some foreign taste and think of all the possible side effects I may get, hypochondria possibly being one of them.  Ahh, the immediate satisfaction of letting my heart slip through my fingertips, unedited, raw and perhaps sometimes all over the place.  Self diagnosed A.D.D. at its finest.  I finally have some time to sit down tonight with my new suburban-stay-at-home-mom self, of course a glass of pinot in the cupholder of my reclining couch, pedicured toes kicked up, ready to rumble.  I have recently found a new me, one I was pushing away, one that was judging others before they could judge me, one that didn't know what direction I was going or when.  

When I became a stay at home mother, something I chose and love that I can do, I also chose not to be 'one of those'.  I wanted to stay as far away as the stereotype and stigma stay at home moms get.  The irony of me choosing to be one yet terrified to be associated with that title is crazier than Kanye comparing himself to Picasso.  I made a few promises to myself about not ever buy yoga pants (failed, I finally caved in, but I prefer to call them 'cozy pants'.), to not go to Target too much (does the dollar spot count?), and to not join a direct sales company (fail on that one too, would you like to buy some jewelry?!?).  And the ol, "I will not post pictures of my child on Facebook every day!" promise.  (Biggest fail of all, and I just don't give an shit what anyone thinks of that, yes I still curse, too).   I am in love with my lil bean and if that's a sin, see ya behind the screen, Father.  Needless to say, never say never.  And though I may look like a duck in cozy pants and act like a blinged out duck, I am still not a duck.  And I am not sure a one size fits all duck stay at home mama exists.  I judged a bunch of duckling rearing mamas based on a few I had met, and many tv shows I had seen.  Mean girl ducks, fake ducks and yes some plain ol boring ducks.  I am getting sick of the word ducks, so let's get back to humanity.

The last year and a half I have struggled in some ways #thestruggleisreal.  Yes, overall I was happy,  I have blessed with awesome friends and family, somehow the sweetest guy in the world thought I was good enough to marry, we live in a nice house and hood, I have a small side business, and we are generally healthy (except for my donut addiction and OCD that takes over in a way of bins and labels in my home). And yes, I am able to stay home and watch those little curled hands with fingernails that make you wanna scream with delight turn into ketchup covered hands high fiving me in the face.  But staying at home can be isolating, especially for extroverts like the, "HI! I LOVE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE ALWAYS, COME CLOSER!" wonder that I am.  I have always been around people from morning til night, even the years I lived alone.  Back then, after socializing at the office, most nights you could find me couch surfing (probably missing an earring with mascara flaking down my face) with one of my stiletto infused partners in crime.  Not saying my lil bean is not a person.  But for months, let's face it, in a haze of exhaustion, I had full conversations with a pooping, drooling, crying robot.  The smile was gas, admit it.  

As she got older, I breathed a sigh of fresh "Here I am, moms!" air!  I started bringing my crawling creature out to germ filled classes, parks with swings swaying as wide as my hips, stinky animal farms, and of course, making more trips to Target than the workers!  I even asked a chick out at the fine jewelry store.  That may have sent the wrong message.  I met more 'not me' moms, than 'me' moms, though I did meet a couple that I got along with well.  But my overall judgement of my surroundings seemed to float like a dark cloud over my shiny, blingy ducks that occasionally would resurface.  I promised myself I wouldn't try anymore, I didn't fit in this SAHM life and would just do fun things during the day, not 'try' to make any more SAHM friends and just focus on what I did have (besides my smooth ass dance moves).  I looked forward to my daily 4PM call with my BFF.  Thank God we are both equally neurotic and we have known each other since we were 10, no secrets and high tolerance for each other's faults.  And 6PM when my husband would waltz in, as excited to see us as we were him.   And weekends were always filled to the brim with social events, but now we were spending more time with my BFF's family and my mom, who are too far to see during the week, getting my soul back home.  

I guess just as they say with love, when you are not looking, it finds you!  It was almost right at that moment, life took a turn.  I Whipped and Nay Nayed my pony tail all up and around that roller coaster track, and somehow came out with a clearer head.  Along the way I swept up some more 'me' friends, lil bean found her new love of pointed toes and glittered tutus,  I joined a new book club and finally, here I am, sinking back into what I truly love, writing.  The past year I have written blogs, articles, and product reviews all for cold hard cash, but today, I start actively writing a novel again.  I wrote one in my twenties that went unfinished when I got married.  It was all my dating sagas and I never knew how quite to end it.  It makes for great chuckles skipping through memory lane, though.   So, now the dim clouds are parting, and I am hoping to be blinded by the sun, and some bling while we are at it.  Finally settling into this 'new' home, this new life, and the newer version of my old self.

Thanks for risking this roller coaster with me even though you are below the required height limit, lil bean. This is just the beginning of our wild ride,

Bumpless Baby Mama 

Annual Visit Update

NOTE:  Not a super jokey blog post, but I got limited time today!

First of all, thank you for those who wrote such supportive notes to me, and emailed, texted or called to see how our first visit went.  All in all, it went ok.  I ended up feeling a lot sadder than I anticipated (damn those sympathetic feelings!), and having stronger uneasy feelings that I imagined, even though I fully expected to feel awkward at moments.

My mom ended up coming with us, and that was comforting.  I call my mom my "Lifelong bandaid."  She just makes everything better, makes me feel safer, calmer (even though we are both about as hyper as you get) and I will always be the little girl holding my mom's hand as we cross the street.  As a street I had never traveled, it was a good one to have her standing between me and the cars.

We got there, and as God would have it, parked at the exact same time right next to the birth family.  Right away they oogled over lil bean and we said hello.  We had all brought food and headed to a park table, where I immediately handed lil bean to the birth mother.  It just felt natural to do so, and looking at her a year later, as I thought may happen, my heart sank for her.  She looked saddened, completely different physically and had an edge to her that she didn't before.  She held lil bean like I held her.  She kissed the top of her head the way I do, and pet her back just as I do.  That was the 'hard' part for me, which I know is nothing compared to how hard it was for her.  So I had to put those feelings aside, the selfish feelings, yet understandable feelings.  The feelings I can not put a label on. Maybe a mix of being a little threatened, yet knowing lil bean is mine and always will be.  Maybe jealousy they have a blood bond that I will never have, but knowing we have a special bond anyway.  Maybe protection, will having someone cuddle her and treat her so intimately confuse her later down the line?  As a mother, I want the very best for her.  And as most moms, adoptive moms or not, we don't always know the answers.  We all chatted at the table, I asked questions about their life, just tried to make conversation as I normally would.  They didn't ask much, they pretty much just held her and loved her for 3 hours.  And I get that.  They only have 3 hours, they probably don't want to shoot the shit or ask us anything, they want to stare at her and gobble her up.  But it was the longest 3 hours of my life.  I don't say that negatively (OK yes I do, but not negative toward them, I can be compassionate and understand, doesn't make my uneasy feelings not go away).

The birthgrandmother was saddened just as much as the BM, and my heart broke for her, too.  That being said, she did make several comments about taking lil bean home with her (some when she didn't know I heard her).  I know she was joking, but it felt inappropriate given the situation.  At the very end she was holding bean and turned around, started walking away and said, "OK BYE GUYS!" still holding onto bean.  Obviously a joke, but I got my Forrest Gump legs ready just in case ;)  I know I can not imagine being on their end, and they can't imagine being on this end.  I did mention to our social worker that as bean gets older, some comments that the BG made (besides the ones listed, but for privacy I won't list them all), won't be appropriate and we will have to reevaluate what our annual visits look like.  My social worker did agree that the comments were inappropriate and that it would have to be addressed in the future.  But then she told me after the get together, the BM and BG said they did not think they could see lil bean again, that it was too hard.  None of us knew how this would feel until we were in it.  I understand if they stick to that and since there are those feelings, my husband and I think it is best for us to go to a few adoption therapy sessions to figure out what is best for our child at this point.  I was shaken after the meeting, cried in the car, later that night and the next day.  I felt so so sad for the birth family, and felt guilty for having my own uneasy feelings.

You just have to be as sensitive as you can to others, while still making sure you are doing what is best for your family, mainly child.  And everyone has different views on open adoption.  Some of my friends are dead set against open adoption and think I am nuts.  Others think I am Mother Theresa for doing it, but think it is nice, and some think, 'why not?!'

And honestly, I don't think there is a RIGHT answer for everyone that adopts, because like with anything else in life, it is all relative and every family, every person is so different.  Hopefully the right choice works for both parties, and that is the best scenario and all we can hope for.  And the VERY best case scenario is that our child grows up happy, loved and likes donuts.

I love you more than donuts, lil bean.

Bumbles Baby Mama 

First Annual Visit With Birth Parents

Been a hot minute!  Thank goodness a hot one, that means that YES, summer weather is finally here. Having a newborn sometimes involves hibernation, especially for germaphobes like myself.  As she got older the germ fears lessened, but just add WINTER in the mix and it can make for a homebound team of two most days.  Now that the snow has melted and sun is shining, we have been taking lots of fun journeys, from the zoo to the beach!  I don't want being a stay at home mother to be like a  groundhog day of yoga pants and Starbucks, so I now have a new saying every day that I wake up.  "Lil bean, what will today's special adventure be?"  She can only say a few words and 'mama, dada and up' can only take you on so many adventures.  That being said,  I decide for us.  No, we don't have to swing from vines for it to be adventurous, but I refuse to sit inside when that fireball is willing to shoot Vitamin D into our veins.

Don't worry, me and my matching pasty daughter are well protected with SPF.  Speaking of protection...

We are off to our once a year visit with the birthparents this weekend.  The long awaited trip.  It seemed so far off and so...not real...until the birthmother wanted to bring half of her family, including both of her parents.  And her new boyfriend.  This is where shit gets tricky.  This is the stuff you aren't prepared for, and from the outside may not seem a big deal, or may seem a bigger deal than I think it is.  My laid back husband, well, is laid back and always has faith it will just work out however it plays out.  I am a planner.  I planned to meet with birth mama and birth papa and say "HEY, lil bean is doing great and maybe an oh wow, she really does have your eyes.  A nice lil hug at the end, a shared story about how the birthfather hates green beans, too.  But I didn't expect to be in a position where I have to say to someone who gave birth to my child that she could not bring 6 people to our meeting.  Do you know how awful that feels, yet at the same time you have this overwhelming protection over your child, all of these thoughts!  I can spit out a few of them for you:  You got time?

-  Statistically, it is not uncommon of birth parents to move on/not keep contact with the adopted child after a few years.  So not only could THEY disappear, but the other people they invite every year would likely disappear too.  As a child of 3 divorces, I do  not like people disappearing, I hold on tighter to people than most, and if you hurt me I will cut you off to make sure you don't leave me first.  The whole "I leave you before you leave me" predictable psych 101 child of divorce syndrome crap.

Lame, but I have it, so I will do everything in my power to let lil bean avoid the "Why don't they want to see me anymore?"  question.  And if the birth parents do move on in life and lose touch, I'd like it to just be 1 or 2 people and not an entire tribe.  Open adoption was a choice we made after reading 580,039 books on how good it is for everyone.  I hope those books are right.

- We signed an agreement with the birthparents and the birthparents only.  I get having the birthmother's mom and dad there as support, but the social worker's gossip (she sure is chatty!) of legal matters between the birth grandparents that I will not disclose for privacy, has my leash pulling my bean in tight, not knowing what to expect.

- A few of my friends and family have said, 'be careful, don't let her out of your sight!, hold her tight!" etc.  Some are partially joking, some serious, some probably not sure if they should be serious or not.  I hadn't really thought of it, one friend asked if I was going to let the birthmother hold her.  I feel like of course, she gave birth to her.  But how crazy to think they are mostly strangers to her.  Will she cry when they hold her like she often does with new people?  Will she feel a familiarity to their voices, an unspoken bond?  And in the .000000000000000000000000001 chance that some people are worried the birth family would take off with her, I am VERY VERY fast.  And Italian.

I could go on and on with all of the emotions that I feel now and wondering which ones I will feel this weekend.  Plan for the worst, hope for the best, that is what 'they' say, right?!  OK I will bring my running shoes, but hope to not have to use them.  I joke I joke.  As much as I think I am tough-skinned,  from experiencing our first birth parent meeting with her where the birth mother and I shared a tissue box, all fears or the feeling of needing to go into major protection mode may vanish when I see lil bean's blue eyes and reddish hair reflecting back at me in the young woman standing before me.

I hope you can run as fast as me and Forrest ;),
Bumpless Baby Mama

Surprise Gifts from Birth Grandma???

OK, so I want to be cool about all this open adoption thing.  It is supposed to be very good for the child and birthmother, and I want that.  But last night we received a package, marked from our agency's social worker.  I was like OH how nice, as I opened it, seeing multiple stuffed animals, a Baby's First Christmas Ornament and then a letter.  I was thinking, well this seems excessive for an agency to send.  Bumpless mama opened that letter up, and as I read, realized it was from the birth grandmother, not even the birthmother.  Don't get me wrong, my heart bleeds for her and I know it is hard, but I think the agency would have warned us.  Or asked us even.  We have not seen them since lil bean was born, no contact, just our sending letters and pics once a month, as we signed on for.  I am ok with lil bean getting a gift from their family once a year or so, but it was never discussed.  It felt very weird opening such an intimate package, with a letter saying how one of the dolls was the birthmother's favorite growing up, etc, and she wanted the birthgrandma to send it. I am only human and it felt weird.

Backup to when bumpless mama was 14 and we moved.  My mother may or may not have accidentally thrown ALL my old dolls away on accident during the move, my bad for putting them in a trash bag.  So it is like I don't even have one of my old dolls to give lil bean, I feel weird giving her one from her birthmother.  Is that wrong?  I feel guilty even writing it, but it is my raw emotion and that is what this blog is about.  It seems harmless and I know it is out of love, but I may tuck it away for when she is older.

This is not as easy as I thought.  I did not know we would be sent gifts, I was not prepared for that.  Which is why I wrote the agency social worker saying if she wouldn't mind next time letting me know we are getting a package (marked from THEM) that is actually an emotional box to open from the birth family.  It feels even weirder coming from the birth grandma.  Not that it is bad, just even more surprising.  She wrote back saying she was sorry that she tries to but must have forgotten getting all of the Christmas gifts to send out.  Was that her making a point that everyone does this?  Whether it was or not I wrote back that we were never even asked if gift exchanging

was ok, that in our agreement it was us sending letters and pics then seeing each other once a year at the agency.  I said we are ok with it maybe once a year, but seeing as though some people may not be, they really should ask people ahead of time if it is ok with them.  It was never mentioned to me I'd get a package on my stoop, opening the wound I felt as I looked into the birth family's eyes while we sat in the hospital.  I guess this is adoption.  Expect the unexpected.  There are no boundaries, you create them yourself, which is hard.

It is hard because you want to be loving.  As an empathic (to the max!) person, my heart often feels other's pain.  That is why it feels so weird for me to feel like this.  I can't imagine the pain on their end, but something feels so weird about giving a baby's first christmas ornament (which I clearly already got her lol) and the BM's old dolly to my lil bean.  I am the mother and I have to make these decisions, and they are hard.  What is best for her?  I don't want to be selfish, but I also want boundaries.  I want to know why my heart pangs as I write this.  I feel guilty and protective and confused.  I feel their pain and I feel mine.

Nobody said adoption was easy.  No real handbook.  Like any other part of life, we will figure it all out.  Comments welcome :)

I want you to have MY dolly, lil bean!  Sorry grandma thought it was trash ;)
Bumpless Baby Mama

Birthparents Break Up and Social Worker's 'Gossip'

Hard to believe lil bean is 5 months! It seems like yesterday she was just swaddled up like a burrito, not able to do much but they there, poop and cry.  She is now rolling over, trying to crawl, 'talking', grabbing anything in sight, and letting us know what she wants...WHEN she wants it.  We have a lil stubborn mule on our hands, and I love her to pieces!

For the past 5 months we have sent the birth parents letters and photos monthly, through the agency.  I usually just write an update about her physical milestones, mental milestones and maybe a cute story here or there.  We include pictures of her doing things like reading, tummy time, laughing and pictures of her with family/friends, reassuring the birthparents she is very loved.  We don't really get feedback from them, kind of a one way update, but the social worker has mentioned things that she hears. Sometimes sh*t I could care less about, like the outfit the birthmother was wearing and how cute it was.  I dunno, I am all about open adoption here, but did I need to know she had on a chevron dress? You will see, over information is a theme.

The last call she made to me was that the birthparents broke up.  My heart stopped.  They had dated for years and as I mentioned in my blog about our 2 hour meeting, we got a sense of how adorable they were with each other, like an old married couple teasing each other with beams of love shooting out at each other.  Guess those love beams were too hot to handle.  It felt like when you hear a celebrity couple breaks up that you think were so perfect together.  SURE, I hate to compare these people to Jen and Brad but, it was just as big of a shock to me!

 I felt sad.  Not thinking about us or lil bean, just purely that these cute kids were broken up.  But I guess they ARE kids and sometimes kids break up.  Sometimes old grown ass people break up.  I won't get into the reason they broke up, I actually felt that wasn't even my business, which brings me to my next thought.

The social worker called with the news almost as if it was a gossip column.  Kind of a, "You won't BELIEVE THIS!" and then followed with details I really do not think were my  business.  I get her telling us they broke up so we can know because that is logistical information we may need, but their life is not a soap opera to air out their dirt laundry.  She hadn't even talked directly to them (the birthmother's mother called her) so I KNOW she didn't get permission to spill their secret beans to us.  She was talking in more detail and my annoyance came out, " I don't think this is my business.  Thank you for letting us know they broke up, though."  It later also made me think, how she talked about it like it was a fun drama TV show.  I mean, she knows all of our (adoptive and birthparents') lives, like NITTY GRITTY details, you sell your soul when you do a home study or as a birthparent fill out their quiestionnaires.  Does she air others' dirty laundry out?  I just felt it was unprofessional and I hope I conveyed that by stopping her.  Hope she doesn't talk about my secrets over dinner with her husband.  OH wait, I don't have secrets since I am Mrs. TMI.

With this news also came news the birthmother is moving far away.  A new start.  She is going back to school, so that's really cool!  I hope she finds happiness there.

How will their breakup and her move affect us?  WHAT ABOUT LIL OL US!  Not sure because we didn't really know what the future held anyway.  Would they had really ended up wanting to see us/lil bean once a year?  We both signed on a non legal line saying we would, and I know we will hold up our end of the bargain, but the agency says sometimes it is too hard for birthparents, as they start a new life, family, etc.  So, who knows what would have happened come summertime when we are supposed to see them anyway.  Maybe she will come back for the visit, maybe not.  My gut says not because I asked the social worker if they were still going to come and she said she could not reach them.

I have gotten many questions about how I feel about seeing the birthparents once a year and won't it be weird.  I feel like after a LOT of research, it is best if they decide they want to.  Will it be weird?  Absolutely.  But life is weird.  Every family is weird.  Every family has it's quirks and things to get through together, and this will just be one of the many.  Adoption does not define our family, it is just a slice of it.  A really freakin awesome slice that I am so glad we ordered.

did I just compare adoption/my daughter to pizza? And now I'm hungry.

Love you lil pizza slice of heaven,

Bumpless Baby Mama

Just Take Her Out To Take Her Out!

I have heard this or a form of it several times now.

I never thought I'd be writing this blog.  Before motherhood, I was like 'OMG I am NOT gonna be one of those mothers who stays home all the time and is afraid of the world."  And though I am not the extreme of that, I do get comments and 'advice' from others on not getting out enough.  First of all, you can not really say what you would do, because, as all momma's say, 'Every baby is different."  And this is true.  Cora is a wonderful baby.  But she is not perfect.  She has her days, her weeks, her fussy moments, her now teething moments, reflux and her naps that are SO unpredictable.  And right before she falls asleep she WEEPS because, like her mama, she hates going to sleep.  Sometimes I wish I could weep and just stay awake all day and night as well.  So, her animalistic weeping in public may send child services my way.  I'd like to avoid that as much as I can.

I do take her out.  And it isn't always easy.  Sometimes it is.  But I look at it as if I don't HAVE to go out (for an event or just because I am going stir crazy in the house), then why push it, this is a few months of our lives?  We go to family events mostly, and other events when obligated.  But to me, going to Target with the baby just to go to Target with the baby isn't my schtick.  I think it's great for those who want to, but me and Target have a very special relationship.  I enter Target and my heart immediately jumps with joy and I know I will be spending the, at least, next hour there...rushing through the grocery aisle, then slowly perusing the clearance end caps and home decor aisles with a skip in my step.  That step is gonna turn into a run if I have lil bean with me.  Target is for times the hubs is home and mama wants to run wild like a bull toward a red flag.  I still have my girl wine nights, too.  These are both times I greatly treasure.  And although I love my bean with all my heart, I don't want her to taint my relaxed Target time.  Or wine night for that matter.  GO NIGHT NIGHT! MAMA WANTS TO ESCAPE!

Restaurants are another joyous occasion, that until she can sit and play with her food and shoot it across the table, I would like to do sporadically.  Once in a while to catch up with a friend during the day, break up the day, sure.  But if it is too far, mama says no like it is drugs.  Or if she is having a fussy day...Eh, not in the cards.  Maybe I will get judged for it.  The beauty of it is, she is our baby and Mike and I get to make these decisions, nobody else.  I am not sure if there are kind words for people who want to tell me how to raise my child.  So I won't say any.  And that it is best for her to get out more and be around germs (do you KNOW you are talking to a germophobe?!).  I know she will grow up social like her mama (she talks more than I do!), she will get sick the same as other kids and neither of us will probably even remember these first few months.  Luckily my husband and I have similar beliefs/parenting skills so far :)  

Being a part of community websites, both specifically for moms, and just in general, you realize EVERYYYONE has something to say when it comes to parenting.  And that is what makes us all different and the world go round.  Luckily I have a lot of parent friends that were/are like me, and their kids are juuust fine.  These early months go by so fast, if the worst thing I do is spend more alone quality time at home with my bean, I will take it.

Smearing anti bac on my hands after opening the mail,

(Lil bean, please don't pick up mama's germ fears!!)

Bumpless Baby Mama

HOLY GRIPE WATER!

So, when Cora was around 5 weeks she went through what I call "Demon Baby Week."  There is a whole book and website on these weeks of a baby's life called, "The Wonder Weeks", which is pretty informative and generally accurate.  I keep a chart on my fridge that shows these weeks so when fire starts shooting out of Cora's eyes I can look up at it and be comforted that she is merely going through either physical growth spurts or mental growth spurts.  These come with extra neediness, crying that makes you think they have fire ants in their pants, and usually excessive eating.  You are instructed to hold the lil demon baby more, feed them more and of course, through my research, gripe watering the crap out of her.  Gripe Water, for those who don't know, is a natural remedy for babies w colic, gas, etc.  I think it has a tranquilizer in it and nobody is telling us.

I originally got it thinking maybe she had some gas.  And ya know, I have no idea what it is this time...the last week she has been on and off insane.  Quite bipolar, actually.  It fluctuates from sheer joy like Christmas morning to me right before my period, when my own demon eyes shoot fire.  Two nights ago I said, YA KNOW, let's give this ol Gripe Water another go.  Within 5 minutes of feeding the flip floppy, anxiety ridden child of mine, she was relaxed, staring at her hands as if she had taken a few hits from a bong, and passed out.  Light shone upon her from Heaven and I laid on the couch and wished Gripe Water could work on me like that.  Hmm, maybe I will try it.

Last night, lil screecher was up to her frets again.  I ran over to my favorite little syringe and shot that baby full of gripey goodness.  Again, within minutes, down like a hypnotized audience member.  Today was the most glorious of all.  Sidenote, you CAN give this to your baby every 6 hours, but I don't want to do it unless really needed, which is usually at night.  But this morning, sugar baby wanted SO badly to go to sleep.  You know, when are crying with their puffy lil red eyes closed, desperately fighting, but we all know they wanna go be in la la land just like mama.  I ran over to ol faithful, filled it up with the special juice and....by the time I finished emptying that deliciousness into her mouth, she was fast asleep.

Some of you may look up to a president, an inventor, a great business man, or maybe even Oprah.  I look up to the creator of Gripe Water.  Wherever you are, know you are my hero.  You have made both baby and mama look like this.

Miss Independant

Been a while!

I thought about just ending my blog at the adoption, but quite  a few people have been asking where it is and when I said I was probably just going to end it there, the response was not great.  Now that she is a little more predictable and I am getting more sleep, I will start it up again!  I also have another project in the works so time is limited.  If you know me, you know I dabble in many pots.  My A.D.D. takes over and I usually go between anything from painting, to guitar lessons, to photography, to blogging, to dance, to crafting, to...

Now that Cora is 3 months, she is VERY observant, active and...how do we put this...emotional!  I know that is most babies, but the last week her frustration with life is skyrocketing!  Don't get me wrong!  90% of the day she is an angel baby!  But there are these moments when I can not help but laugh at her.  They all are under the same category of wanting to be independent too soon.  As Captain Mama Bootcamp, I of course do tummy time/exercise time, and this has been great until this past week.  Now she has decided she really would like to sit up.  GREAT!  Progress!  At least she is interested in scooting around!  Unforuntaely, not so great for Cora.  She weeps.  She pulls her hands forward, pulls her head up and tries desperately to sit up, all the while weeping as if she is me not being able to reach my donut.  She looks at me like, "WHY is this happening mom!!!??"  So I hold her up in the sitting position, as she lets her last weeps out before I distract her with something else...like her monkey friends.

These monkey friends are the lil guys that twirl around above her swing.  I never understood their relationship.  She would sometimes smile at them, and often weep, tears running down her face, I thought from staring at them too long.  No, I think now, I know what it is.  Now that she can move her arms with direction/purpose, she is reaching up at them...yep...weeping.  I think she wants to grab them.  Eat them?  Who knows, but she wants them!  So, what does a mama do?  I took them down off the mobile and gave them to her, thinking I was so smart..."HERE YOU GOOOO!"  She batted poor lil curious george wanna be away and wept, looking at me like I was just adding to her problem.  Fine, lil bean, try and get up there yourself.  Good luck!

Yesterday and today both mark more exciting "get the hell off me and let me do it myself" moments.  Last night I thought maybe she was overtired or it was just a one off.  But then it happened twice again today.  I had her at tummy time/play mat and gave her her toy/teether.  It is Sophie the lil baby giraffe that is 'au natural' so all the mamas love it.  And all the hippest babies, do too, of course.

Including lil bean hipster.  So much that when she was trying to direct her into her mouth and couldn't, she wept so loudly I was surprised my neighbors did not call child services thinking there was 'an incident'.  I tried to help guide it for her, and THAT WAS IT! She and enough of my helping, pushed my hand away and lil Kelly Clarkson (Miss Independent, get it?! ) cried so hard she shook.  I picked her up, holding back my laughter and fear of the drama queen (my mom said I'd get one like me!) and bopped her around til she calmed down.  I put all toys back in the basket and stared at her... "Well what do you want to do?"  She smiled up at me as if nothing had happened and said a simple, "GoooooooOOOoohhhh."  We both laughed for different reasons, and turned on Jewel's Lullaby CD (what other lullaby CD would I have!?), I rocked her and I shook my head at her as she fell asleep, and I held on a little tighter, knowing my baby already wants to do things on her own.  

Lil Bean, you are growing up too fast and you are only 3 months!
Bumpless Baby Mama

Every Day is a New Day For Sure!

It has been a while because my little precious angel that was sleeping so much...stopped sleeping so much :)  And every day there is a new way to help her sleep/stop her fussing.  Every day is different, everyone said it, but now I realize it is literally every day.  One day doing lil jumps while holding her rushes her fast to sleep, other days the black silence I swore I would not succumb to is the only way!  Some days she loves snoop dogg/lion (yes the curse word versions, sorry.) and others she screams at any music at all.  Some days she sleeps the entire day, others she is up the entire day.  Some days I get laundry, shopping lists, floor cleaning AND amazon prime damage done all in one day!  Other days I am chained to her and the thought of putting her down and risking a screaming fit builds my bicepts if nothing else.  Some days she peacefully sleeps for two hours on my stomach, hers face down, as I Pinterest my dream kitchen.  Others she has to be held face forward staring out the window, staring at trees.  Some days I want to tap dance around the world with joy and some days (luckily only one so far!) I cry over my spaghetti and meatballs.

But with all of this chaos and uncertainty comes coos, smiles and even sporadic giggles!  With this comes knowing this is the time to want her to need me so much, want her to not let me put her down. In a few years it will be hard to get her to stay curled up with me at all!   With all of this comes watching her get more beautiful every day.  I don't know if it is just because I am her mama, but I seriously think she can't get any more beautiful and then she does!  With the ignoring laundry, one hand dusting, vacuuming and missing Real Housewives episodes live, comes staring at her face while she sleeps, on the verge of happy tears.  With having to plan routine Target runs or just an margarita escape with a girlfriend, comes loving being home with my family.  Treasuring the time we have together more than ever, even if it is watching an old ass episode of Mad Men while shoving food down our throats as fast as possible.  With the sometimes exhausting days, comes the pure joy I feel when I am able to take a nice hot shower bubbled up with strawberry scented shower gel, washing away the formula that somehow is on my collar bone.  And my hand, and is that poop on my stomach?  And when I come out of that paradise shower, seeing her little face staring at me wiggles my heart.  With missing part of myself sometimes, comes missing her when she is sleeping, or on that Target run that I sneak in the dark red lipstick I barely wear anymore, knowing I will wear it out on the town soon enough, right?  So excited to get out of the house, only an hour later, rushing to get back so I can kiss her chubby cheeks.  People told me how wonderful parenthood was, but like they said, there are no words.  I was not fully me until she was brought into our lives.  There are many things I am besides a wife and mother, and many hobbies and future careers I have/hope to have, but her and her daddy are the best part of me by far.  I do not shine as bright without them.

Finally at the place I dreamed about months ago, staring at your face, knowing you are ours forever.
Bumpless Baby Mama

Bumpless Baby Mama's Baby Tips (SO FAR!)

In my almost month-long time of mommy hood, I have figured out a few tricks that may save other mamas and papas some time as well!  My tips get shorter as the entry goes on, don't worry ;)

1.) PREP FEEDING TIME!  This one may be well known, but I didn't do it until last week when I realized just how tired you are in the middle of the night and how valuable 3 minutes can be!  PREP THAT BOTTLE, SON! (not son as in child but son as in the slang way of saying buddy/friend.  If you say it nice and loud you can really fit in with the thug kids.  I digress.)  So this one is easier said than done, especially with breast feeding.  Lucky for me, these knockers don't supply milk and we can put out our 3 overnight bottles out with just water so all we have to do is pour 2 scoops of powdery goodness in, shake it up, just in time to make our baby, who's cry now resembles a rapture's scream, end.  If your lil pillows of milk are the baby's direct supply of nutrients, you know the way to prep those...good ol pump ahead time.  But then you have the pain, so I am not sure how that all works.  Good luck, either way!  If you can prep in any way, do it.  And place something on the area you are sitting that is a nice flat surface for the bottle to rest on (yes, in my delirium before I did this, I got plenty of delicious formula on my couch), and have multiple bibs ready to act as cape on your super baby as she reaches for her belly satisfier.  My bassinet has storage I put bibs in, but if you want easy access, you can use a command hook on side of crib to hang a couple for easy access in the weeeee hours of the morning.  As a matter of fact just keep bibs and burp cloths in every room.  It can't hurt!  And command hooks on closet doors (unrelated, but a good tip!)

2.)  GET ORGANIZED!  Over the past years I have really trained myself to have OCD.  I wasn't always type A, and really am still Type B at heart, but it is like smiling, if you keep doing it, you become happy.  If you keep organizing, you become insane...er...very neat.  I can not tell you the time we have saved by having this little system in lil bean's closet.  We have all the frequently used items separated into bins (newborn age, but we will switch out as she ages), and those lil holes let you see right on in, so if you are looking for something specific, you got it!  While you are at it, get one of this pop up lights in her closet to light the way! I got the Cube Storage at Target (Circo Brand) and the bins at Dollar Tree (YES save that cash flo'....SON!),  but any bins that fit will do the job.  Preferably ones you can see through.  At this point I have memorized what is in each bin, but when the hubs goes to find something, my lovely LABELING SYSTEM (totally not insane.) makes it easy for him to dress lil bean quickly.  Sidenote:  She hates getting dressed more than anything in life.  The rapture in her comes out as if she has lost her prey.  I have never changed myself or anyone else as fast as I change her, it is like a race against myself, fearing what will happen if I take more than 10 seconds.

My ADD caused me to add pink bins in between the green, but you get the idea :)

3.) LEAVE CLOTHING IN THE CAR!  This one was a great idea from my dear friend Amanda, and would have come in handy that first car ride back from the hospital! ;)  Baby, Mama and Papa should all have one change of clothing JUUUST in case, things go south!  Or north!

4.)  GET LOUD!  This one is not hard for me since I am a loud mouth.  And I continue to be.  I have known people to whisper and be super quiet around babies and sometimes that can results in babies getting so used to the quiet that they can only sleep when it is quiet.  Babies are used to loud noises like heart beat, swishing blood through veins (I know I know, gross...but true.), and mommy's voice echoing in her body through pregnancy.  So keep the noise going!  Lil bean sleeps through a lot.  Between me, my "Flip That House" blaring on the TV, and the vacuum, she will be used to noise.  And I like that.  I know some may beg to differ, and you may do so.  Go ahead.  Differ.

OK I won't take it this far.

5.)  WHO HAS TIME TO BOIL ALL THOSE THINGS?  I thought I did, and I forgot it was boiling. So, idea number 2?  Run all of those bottle parts through the dishwasher WITHOUT SOAP...burn those germs out with the hot water and save yourself time...and the risk of a burnt down house due to baby brain.  If you DO boil them, try to get them on the right burner ;)

6.) USE FUSSY HOUR TIME WISELY!  Give that lil bean a nice warm bath!  It is a good use of time, and in our case, calms her right down!  Like mama like daughter.  I could stay in a warm bath for years.  Probably would be pretty wrinkly, though.

7.)  STOCK UP AND PRE BUY!  If you can afford to and have the storage, become a couponer and stock up to save you trips to the store and emergency errand running in the future.  I also look out for clearance items at the end caps at Target and have gotten some amazing deals on future items like sippy cups, toddler fork and spoon and other necessities.  Look at for Target's gift card deals, I got one today that was buy 4 household items get 10 dollar gift card.  Since we always use paper towels and trash bags, I stocked up and got 10 bucks back!  It will save you lots in the long run!  You don't need a specific place for storage either, we use our guest bathroom linen closet in the basement for our back stock of big items.  Or if you don't have any extra linen closet or space, keep your jackets upstairs and use your entry closet as storage.  Bring guests jackets up to the guest room when you have visitors cooing over your little one.

8.)  DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOU!  Obviously lil bean is number one!  But don't forget about you and don't forget about your partner!  I have still kept up with my Monday night Bachelorette viewings with my friend and my husband carves out time to continue his music projects.  If you don't have a partner see if a friend or family member will come watch baby for an hour or two once a week so you can have  some you time.  My husband and I also grab time when we can for 'us', whether it be catching up on "Mad Men" (I know, we are a tad behind) or getting take out and snugglin up!  And then we have our stroller walks with lil bean that were going SO nicely until we hit a bump in the sidewalk and well...where was that bib?!

I know there are more but brain is quickly oozing out of my ear.
Go ahead and feel free to add more baby tips!

I still can't believe you are here and ours, lil bean.
Bumpless Baby Mama

Why We Chose Domestic Adoption vs. International Adoption

Inquiring minds want to know, so we shall tell!  I forget if I touched on this at all, but one of the very first steps of the adoption process is choosing domestic or international.  It is very common these days to go international, and I understand why.  After we weighed our pros and cons, we came to the decision to stay within the US while adopting.  Our main reason was adoption is already a tough/long process, and adding the layer of dealing with other country's laws scared us.  There are so many countries to choose from, and it seemed hard enough just trying to narrow down agencies within the US, so I can't imagine the time and research to just FIND which country we wanted to pick and researching all of their laws.  The US laws minorly (is that a word?  Probably not since it is highlighted in red) change from state to state, but we know the language here and felt safer staying within our own country's legal system.  And I have a family full of lawyers that study law in the US if anything went crayyy they could create a football team of Irish defenders a la bumpless baby mama, so that made me feel safer as well.  The other aspect we weren't keen on was time and money traveling to another country.  Some countries make you travel there multiple times, some make you stay for an extended period of time before you can take baby home, and the hubs can't exactly be off work for who knows how long.  Here is a chart from adoptivefamilies.com that also shows a cost comparison.

Speaking of lonnnng!  Depending on the country, the process can take YEARS and mama and papa wanted their lil bean as soon as possible.  Part of our agency research included finding placements that were mostly within a year.  We lucked out and got placed in less than 2 months, but that was an insane miracle.  Wait...was it luck or a miracle, bumbless?  Baby brain rears its ugly head.  Another reason we chose domestic, is we did think it would be good for our bean to know about their parent/s.    From what we have heard, some countries have totally closed adoptions, no information on the parents.  In the beginning we did not intend on having an open adoption further than pictures and letters, but after extensive late night book reading and discussing open adoption with others in the adoption world who have it, we decided it was the best choice to do a visit a year.  For those of you cringing, I get it, I did, too.  I was dead against it, but knowledge is power.  So says that cheesy 90's commercial.  If you'd like to read about benefits of open adoption...read this lil blurb that I did not write, but it's a good summary.  (advantages for all 3 parties involved) http://americanpregnancy.org/adoption/openadoptionadvantages.htm

A big reason people go out of the country is because there is no revocation period like here in the US (where birthmothers can change their mind.)  I get it, it seems silly to some people that anyone would risk taking home a child to possibly have them taken back after 2-30 days.  And the 10 days we went through were nail biting, anxiety ridden hell, I will not lie.  But we went in knowing it could happen, had faith whatever happened would be God's plan, and hoped the 20% chance the adoption would 'fail', was not the percentile we were in.   I felt like there is always a chance of miscarriage, SIDS, really anything in life, and this is just one of those things that are a risk, and in my opinion, worth the risk.  Would I have devastated if it fell through?  Absolutely.  But for whatever reason our heads and hearts felt called to adopting domestically.  It is not for everyone, but there is no such thing as 'everyone.'  There are children right here in our own country that need good homes, and from the moment lil bean was placed in our arms I felt like God had lined everything up right so we could be a family.  I was scared shizzless I was wrong, but turns out I am right, and I am SO very glad our perfect match was right here in our own country.  And on top of it our own STATE, which we did NOT plan.  God knows what he is doing, and whatever his reasons, I will never question him.  OK, I probably will, but not today :)

There are more pros and cons but mama is freakin tired and needs to feed herself.  As always, if you have questions, feel free to ask me!

God Bless America, as they both brought me straight to you,
Bumpless Baby Mama

20 Things I Have Learned in the First Week of Being a Mother

I know everyone says you don't know this and don't know that until you are a mother, and boy are they right!  The following are just a few things I can think of off hand that I have learned so far:

1.  How fast you go from, 'me first' to 'baby first', it's amazing.
2.  How fast you can block yourself from projectile poop.  And the amazing colors it can be.
3.  The focus you can maintain on little sleep when it is for your child.
4.  At the same time, how that focus can be lost at 4am when you bring her into the guest room instead of the nursery to change her.

5.  How much support you have.  And how many people want to feed you.  Mainly chicken.  And I love chicken, so this works out quite well.
6.  How easy it is to forget to feed yourself.  Good thing we have so much chicken!
7.  How you can fall in love with your husband all over again watching him fall in love with your child.
8.  Yoga pants ARE pretty comfy.
9.  You will tell yourself a lot of things you won't do as a mom.  Yoga pants was one of mine.  FAIL.

10.  Hand me downs are a life saver.  And money saver.  My bff has stocked me for our daughter's entire life.
11.  For such a tiny baby, you will certainly do a lot of laundry for them!  Where did that little sock go??
12.  Pacifier clips are essential.  Finally got one today and am excited to not have to rewash the pacifier after the 9000th time in a day baby hulk darts it across the room.
13.  You can never have enough diapers, formula and wipes.  Anyone who gives you these gets to be called aunt or uncle.
14.  All nipples are not created equal.  I am not talking boob nipples, but bottle nipples.  Our daughter was sloppily chugging like nobody's business until we realized slow flow is the way to go.  And we thought she was just hungry!
15.  It will take you 3 hours to actually finish an episode of Mad Men.
16.  You will never sleep the same again.  You will check that they are breathing way too often and worry when they breath too loud.
17.  Newborns do not smile, they have gas that causes their lips to curve upward.  Even if your husband insists he causes all of her smiles.  Let him believe it, but it's what we now call 'puffies' because little baby girls don't fart.

I am puffing on your shag prop!

18.  You can actually stare at your baby's face for hours and not get bored.  You will try to memorize their face, knowing how fast they change.  And every time they open their eyes from a long sleep it is like winning the lotto.
19.  You will take too many pictures, post too many pictures and think, "Oh boy, now I am that mom."  And you are.  And that's ok.  Because the people who love you will be happy for you even if their news feed is 178 different views of your baby sleeping.  BUT I MEAN SHE HAS HER RIGHT HAND UP IN THIS ONE!
20.  You will feel you have found more meaning in life.  You will feel your heart fill to the brim with a love so strong, you don't even know what to do with it.  You will try to savor each moment while also looking forward to the next stage.  You will have a found a love you never felt before.

My husband wanted to add a bonus item he has learned:

"Little burps = big rejoices and big poop=big panic."

I will leave you with those words of wisdom.

We love learning about you, lil bean, can't wait until...right now :)
Bumpless Baby Mama

Getting the Call and the Hospital Stay

Where do I start?!  I guess getting the call.  I was enjoying a lunch after church with my friends and the phone rang.  It was a local unfamiliar number and my heart raced.  I had just been talking to my friend about how I had a dream she was coming June 29th and it was June 29th.  She stared at me and it took a second for me to pick it up, because I just knew.  "Hello?" came out in shakiness and I felt flushed.  The social worker told me to pack up and come down, as BM was in labor.  I hung up, my one friend got me a box to take my food and me and my friend's eyes welled up with a slight coat of tears.  This was it.  We hadn't gotten to actually installing the carseat yet, though it was IN the car, so we met my husband (who had been in class) at the house and my friend's husband and him did that and I went off to pack.  My emotions made me feel like a basket case.  I went from running around, throwing anything I could into my bag, unlike my usual OCD put-everything-in-little-packing-cubes-inside-the-suitcase-self.  I felt elated, then a second later found myself yelling at my husband to eat his pizza faster!  I didn't wanna miss this!  We were 4 hours away.  I didn't even know what I packed but made sure to get my phone and essentials.  The car already had the baby stuff in it, thank goodness!  We got in the car and headed out.  I felt relief, it had finally come.

Pretty good idea of what things were looking like.

The Birthmother had a long labor after her water broke, so needed a c-section. We had met with her and her family before delivery while she was feelin' good on epidural.  It was tough.  Her mother looked like she could bust out crying at any moment and when it was time for us to leave so the BM could rest, I walked out crying for her mother.  Something that was bringing us joy was bringing their family pain.  This is such an emotional process for everyone, and I can not imagine what it is like on the other end.  We slept one hour and then got the call, and the hospital set us up in our very own hospital room!!!  We met lil bean mere minutes after delivery, and got to watch her getting tested, cleaned and immediately feeling like we belonged together. I can not begin to express how amazing this hospital was.  A couple of the nurses were in families that had adopted, so not sure if that played into it, but we felt like we were more at a hotel than hospital.  They even gave us gifts- 2 blankets, outfits, bibs, hats, and she said she could tell I liked pink so everything was pink lol!  One nurse even came in when she wasn't working to chat with us before we were discharged.  

One of the nurses told us to go in (the day after birth) to visit the BM and give them their gifts (typical thing to do in open adoptions).  I had put together a spa package for her and they love the movies so we got them gift cards as well.  We went into the room and the air was filled with somber silence that quickly turned into our regret of visiting the room.  The birth grandmothers eyes were red from sadness and lack of sleep and everything at that moment was so real.  I asked BM how she was feeling (physically), gave the gifts and we made a quick exit.  The lump came back up my throat as I thought about everything she was going through.  I tried to shift focus, knowing there wasn't much I could do or say to her, though I desperately wanted to.  We grabbed lil bean from the nursery and cradled her, her alert eyes staring up at us, and melting our hearts.

My lactose intolerant heart is melting like butta.

The hospital was a decent time, we got ok sleep and my husband's sister and parents came to visit since they were nearby!  Everyone cautiously falling in love with her, knowing nothing is official until the revocation period is over.  Which haunts me as well.  This has been the longest week of my life.  The best and worst.  I am falling madly in love and scared shizzless that could be taken away.  I was never afraid we wouldn't bond, but now that it is here and real and we are bonding, I am hooked on lil bean.  My heart is full, and when the deadline hits, it will be bittersweet.  Overjoyed for us, and aching knowing the birthmother will have this on her heart the rest of her life.  We have gathered pictures of our first few days together to send her (an agency requirement), and pray for her every day.  I hope her seeing how loved lil bean is will comfort her.  For those of you who have showed your love via visits, calls, texts, fb comments, etc., you have no idea how much it means to us to know we not only have so much love to give her, but the outpouring of love from friends and family makes me wanna vomit...in a good way ;)  We have amazing people in our lives, and I have no doubt that if lil bean is forever with us, she will be surrounded by love on all sides.  

There is so much more to say about the first days of motherhood, I will save it for next post.  Being a first time mom is a riot and learning experience, for sure!  Please excuse any typos or half sentences, as my brain leaked out of my head around 4am ;)

Are you really here, lil bean???   Please say it is so.

Bumpless Baby Mama

SURE! Have some more money! And Babymoon Adventures!

So we had a LOVELY babymoon this past week at a beach only a few hours away!  Maybe no Jamaica, but the weather was nice, we got to see family and got to do Karaoke!  Who can complain? :)  I must say, with all of the adoption stuff going on this past year, I have not been able to relax as much as this past week in a very long time!  I even slept until noon one day!  Craziness.  Pretty sure that will never happen again.  Ever.  So when we get back, back to stress life!

 Welcome back, fools!

So we had a huge stack of mail upon return and opened an envelope from our agency.  How payment works is you pay when you are MATCHED, not placed.  So basically you have to give everything up front, which is different from many agencies (some split it up into 3rds, etc.).  So we ALREADY PAID.  This is where I get confused!  The letter we open says their fee schedule has changed (our fee schedule/contract is good through June 30th).  They say we now owe 2 grand more?!  OH OK!  Let's just jump up and grab that from our  money tree!  

Mike looks good pickin dollas!

But seriously, it just makes no sense to me since we already were matched and paid?!  My hope is that lil bean is born before the fee schedule from last year expires, because then there is NO way there is any loophole making it that we have to pay the 2k!  They DO say in the original paperwork that fee schedules expire June 30 of every year, but we paid already.  Just seems wrong ethically, no?  Can I get a whaaa whaaa?

You are worth every penny, but mama is a lil annoyed at your agency, baby girl!

Bumpless Baby Mama  

Nursery Almost Done!

So in yesterday's blog you saw the hubs hard at work measuring and post-iting!.  Last night was my turn!  I may not be good at math, but I can peel of a mean decal!!  They don't look it here, but are a lovely gold.  Take that, Angelina! (she may have a gold crib but I have DOTS! lol)

 Please excuse my "LOVE" butt.  I think I am 17.

My OCD took over and I think my polka dots are as precise as you can get!  And guess what came early in the mail?!   My pink ruffly wonder curtain!  Quite wrinkled out of the bag, but I had to put it up to see it live and in color!  I love how the room is turning out!  My friend Melissa gave me this lamp FREE, that I was using in the guest room, but it goes perfectly in the nursery (gold base, etc.), so I swapped it out!  Thanks Melissa, you are a sweetheart <3

I ordered a cheesy quote for above the crib, and then everything I have planned so far will be complete! Tonight I am having a much needed WINE NIGHT with the ladies and then off to the beach me and the hubs go to relax and hang with my sis in law before lil bean arrives!!  

Can I really relax, even on the beach?

How you like your ruffles giiiiirl??

Bumpless Baby Mama

Down to the OCD Wire and I Surrender to You, Excitement!!!

The past week has been interesting.  Stress has taken over my body and me no likeeeyyyy!  I have had a very tough time falling asleep which is SO not me...ever!  I was always a night owl but even when I am a little stressed, I have always passed right into never never land as soon as my head hit the pillow.  Now I lay restless, running through my to do list, worrying if the birthparents will change their minds (despite the fact I believe whatever happens will turn out fine, I will still weep like a baby), and wishing I had the metabolism I used to so I could stuff my face with Wendy's nuggets sopped in BBQ sauce, a dozen pink sprinkled donuts and maybe throw in some mouth watering KFC chicken while we are at it.

 or ten.

Instead, I am trying to work out, take baths and listen to weird sounds like automated hyper summer crickets, as I dig my head into my crumpled fluff of a pillow, hoping it will take me to a restful place until I face my alarm clock in the morning.  The working out part is a joke.  I have a stationary bike I decided to 'ride' yesterday while I caught up on Real Housewives of NYC.  WOAH...I was winded after 15 minutes!  And my hip hurts today.  There, I said it.  Granny's hip hurts.  So my plan is to work out EVERY day, not too intense every day, but at least stretch or do some down dog type shiz on days in between my dance videos and bike.  Yes, dance videos like in 1984.  Except now they are on demand.  And you can pause that lil b when she gets too crazy on you, it's great.

My OCD like tendancies have taken over and I keep 'redoing' things in the nursery.  Or thinking of things I'd like to add.  One fine addition is gold polka dots on an accent wall (not shown).  Here is my poor husband who, since he is the math man in the fam,  grid out the placement of where they will go.  This was not a 20 minute project, I will say that!  Don't worry, I didn't leave him all alone on this tedious journey.  I stayed to direct.

 See how many lovely uses the ol Post-Its have? 

 I am waiting on new curtains as well.  I found some pink ruffly ones.  I was not going to purchase gender specific items until everything was finalized.  But I am me.  And I just couldn't contain myself and feel like we deserve to pink dazzle up the nursery just like others do!  I realized if everything falls through, spending 20 bucks on a curtain (that I could exchange within 90 days) or a lamp (again, 90 day exchange policy), wouldn't make me any more disappointed then I will be if it ends up that way.  It was getting too hard to be so cautious and try not to get excited.  So as more stress comes, it is balanced out by the excitement that is officially settled, cuddled up on a cozy couch nestled in my body.  I am excited and I am going to let myself be excited.  I know the risks, but I want to feel this like everyone else gets to as they near the end of their pregnancy (excitement and back pain, of which somehow I have both).

I can't feel you in my belly, but I definitely feel you in my heart <3
Bumpless Baby Mama