Surprise Gifts from Birth Grandma???

OK, so I want to be cool about all this open adoption thing.  It is supposed to be very good for the child and birthmother, and I want that.  But last night we received a package, marked from our agency's social worker.  I was like OH how nice, as I opened it, seeing multiple stuffed animals, a Baby's First Christmas Ornament and then a letter.  I was thinking, well this seems excessive for an agency to send.  Bumpless mama opened that letter up, and as I read, realized it was from the birth grandmother, not even the birthmother.  Don't get me wrong, my heart bleeds for her and I know it is hard, but I think the agency would have warned us.  Or asked us even.  We have not seen them since lil bean was born, no contact, just our sending letters and pics once a month, as we signed on for.  I am ok with lil bean getting a gift from their family once a year or so, but it was never discussed.  It felt very weird opening such an intimate package, with a letter saying how one of the dolls was the birthmother's favorite growing up, etc, and she wanted the birthgrandma to send it. I am only human and it felt weird.

Backup to when bumpless mama was 14 and we moved.  My mother may or may not have accidentally thrown ALL my old dolls away on accident during the move, my bad for putting them in a trash bag.  So it is like I don't even have one of my old dolls to give lil bean, I feel weird giving her one from her birthmother.  Is that wrong?  I feel guilty even writing it, but it is my raw emotion and that is what this blog is about.  It seems harmless and I know it is out of love, but I may tuck it away for when she is older.

This is not as easy as I thought.  I did not know we would be sent gifts, I was not prepared for that.  Which is why I wrote the agency social worker saying if she wouldn't mind next time letting me know we are getting a package (marked from THEM) that is actually an emotional box to open from the birth family.  It feels even weirder coming from the birth grandma.  Not that it is bad, just even more surprising.  She wrote back saying she was sorry that she tries to but must have forgotten getting all of the Christmas gifts to send out.  Was that her making a point that everyone does this?  Whether it was or not I wrote back that we were never even asked if gift exchanging

was ok, that in our agreement it was us sending letters and pics then seeing each other once a year at the agency.  I said we are ok with it maybe once a year, but seeing as though some people may not be, they really should ask people ahead of time if it is ok with them.  It was never mentioned to me I'd get a package on my stoop, opening the wound I felt as I looked into the birth family's eyes while we sat in the hospital.  I guess this is adoption.  Expect the unexpected.  There are no boundaries, you create them yourself, which is hard.

It is hard because you want to be loving.  As an empathic (to the max!) person, my heart often feels other's pain.  That is why it feels so weird for me to feel like this.  I can't imagine the pain on their end, but something feels so weird about giving a baby's first christmas ornament (which I clearly already got her lol) and the BM's old dolly to my lil bean.  I am the mother and I have to make these decisions, and they are hard.  What is best for her?  I don't want to be selfish, but I also want boundaries.  I want to know why my heart pangs as I write this.  I feel guilty and protective and confused.  I feel their pain and I feel mine.

Nobody said adoption was easy.  No real handbook.  Like any other part of life, we will figure it all out.  Comments welcome :)

I want you to have MY dolly, lil bean!  Sorry grandma thought it was trash ;)
Bumpless Baby Mama

Birthparents Break Up and Social Worker's 'Gossip'

Hard to believe lil bean is 5 months! It seems like yesterday she was just swaddled up like a burrito, not able to do much but they there, poop and cry.  She is now rolling over, trying to crawl, 'talking', grabbing anything in sight, and letting us know what she wants...WHEN she wants it.  We have a lil stubborn mule on our hands, and I love her to pieces!

For the past 5 months we have sent the birth parents letters and photos monthly, through the agency.  I usually just write an update about her physical milestones, mental milestones and maybe a cute story here or there.  We include pictures of her doing things like reading, tummy time, laughing and pictures of her with family/friends, reassuring the birthparents she is very loved.  We don't really get feedback from them, kind of a one way update, but the social worker has mentioned things that she hears. Sometimes sh*t I could care less about, like the outfit the birthmother was wearing and how cute it was.  I dunno, I am all about open adoption here, but did I need to know she had on a chevron dress? You will see, over information is a theme.

The last call she made to me was that the birthparents broke up.  My heart stopped.  They had dated for years and as I mentioned in my blog about our 2 hour meeting, we got a sense of how adorable they were with each other, like an old married couple teasing each other with beams of love shooting out at each other.  Guess those love beams were too hot to handle.  It felt like when you hear a celebrity couple breaks up that you think were so perfect together.  SURE, I hate to compare these people to Jen and Brad but, it was just as big of a shock to me!

 I felt sad.  Not thinking about us or lil bean, just purely that these cute kids were broken up.  But I guess they ARE kids and sometimes kids break up.  Sometimes old grown ass people break up.  I won't get into the reason they broke up, I actually felt that wasn't even my business, which brings me to my next thought.

The social worker called with the news almost as if it was a gossip column.  Kind of a, "You won't BELIEVE THIS!" and then followed with details I really do not think were my  business.  I get her telling us they broke up so we can know because that is logistical information we may need, but their life is not a soap opera to air out their dirt laundry.  She hadn't even talked directly to them (the birthmother's mother called her) so I KNOW she didn't get permission to spill their secret beans to us.  She was talking in more detail and my annoyance came out, " I don't think this is my business.  Thank you for letting us know they broke up, though."  It later also made me think, how she talked about it like it was a fun drama TV show.  I mean, she knows all of our (adoptive and birthparents') lives, like NITTY GRITTY details, you sell your soul when you do a home study or as a birthparent fill out their quiestionnaires.  Does she air others' dirty laundry out?  I just felt it was unprofessional and I hope I conveyed that by stopping her.  Hope she doesn't talk about my secrets over dinner with her husband.  OH wait, I don't have secrets since I am Mrs. TMI.

With this news also came news the birthmother is moving far away.  A new start.  She is going back to school, so that's really cool!  I hope she finds happiness there.

How will their breakup and her move affect us?  WHAT ABOUT LIL OL US!  Not sure because we didn't really know what the future held anyway.  Would they had really ended up wanting to see us/lil bean once a year?  We both signed on a non legal line saying we would, and I know we will hold up our end of the bargain, but the agency says sometimes it is too hard for birthparents, as they start a new life, family, etc.  So, who knows what would have happened come summertime when we are supposed to see them anyway.  Maybe she will come back for the visit, maybe not.  My gut says not because I asked the social worker if they were still going to come and she said she could not reach them.

I have gotten many questions about how I feel about seeing the birthparents once a year and won't it be weird.  I feel like after a LOT of research, it is best if they decide they want to.  Will it be weird?  Absolutely.  But life is weird.  Every family is weird.  Every family has it's quirks and things to get through together, and this will just be one of the many.  Adoption does not define our family, it is just a slice of it.  A really freakin awesome slice that I am so glad we ordered.

did I just compare adoption/my daughter to pizza? And now I'm hungry.

Love you lil pizza slice of heaven,

Bumpless Baby Mama

Just Take Her Out To Take Her Out!

I have heard this or a form of it several times now.

I never thought I'd be writing this blog.  Before motherhood, I was like 'OMG I am NOT gonna be one of those mothers who stays home all the time and is afraid of the world."  And though I am not the extreme of that, I do get comments and 'advice' from others on not getting out enough.  First of all, you can not really say what you would do, because, as all momma's say, 'Every baby is different."  And this is true.  Cora is a wonderful baby.  But she is not perfect.  She has her days, her weeks, her fussy moments, her now teething moments, reflux and her naps that are SO unpredictable.  And right before she falls asleep she WEEPS because, like her mama, she hates going to sleep.  Sometimes I wish I could weep and just stay awake all day and night as well.  So, her animalistic weeping in public may send child services my way.  I'd like to avoid that as much as I can.

I do take her out.  And it isn't always easy.  Sometimes it is.  But I look at it as if I don't HAVE to go out (for an event or just because I am going stir crazy in the house), then why push it, this is a few months of our lives?  We go to family events mostly, and other events when obligated.  But to me, going to Target with the baby just to go to Target with the baby isn't my schtick.  I think it's great for those who want to, but me and Target have a very special relationship.  I enter Target and my heart immediately jumps with joy and I know I will be spending the, at least, next hour there...rushing through the grocery aisle, then slowly perusing the clearance end caps and home decor aisles with a skip in my step.  That step is gonna turn into a run if I have lil bean with me.  Target is for times the hubs is home and mama wants to run wild like a bull toward a red flag.  I still have my girl wine nights, too.  These are both times I greatly treasure.  And although I love my bean with all my heart, I don't want her to taint my relaxed Target time.  Or wine night for that matter.  GO NIGHT NIGHT! MAMA WANTS TO ESCAPE!

Restaurants are another joyous occasion, that until she can sit and play with her food and shoot it across the table, I would like to do sporadically.  Once in a while to catch up with a friend during the day, break up the day, sure.  But if it is too far, mama says no like it is drugs.  Or if she is having a fussy day...Eh, not in the cards.  Maybe I will get judged for it.  The beauty of it is, she is our baby and Mike and I get to make these decisions, nobody else.  I am not sure if there are kind words for people who want to tell me how to raise my child.  So I won't say any.  And that it is best for her to get out more and be around germs (do you KNOW you are talking to a germophobe?!).  I know she will grow up social like her mama (she talks more than I do!), she will get sick the same as other kids and neither of us will probably even remember these first few months.  Luckily my husband and I have similar beliefs/parenting skills so far :)  

Being a part of community websites, both specifically for moms, and just in general, you realize EVERYYYONE has something to say when it comes to parenting.  And that is what makes us all different and the world go round.  Luckily I have a lot of parent friends that were/are like me, and their kids are juuust fine.  These early months go by so fast, if the worst thing I do is spend more alone quality time at home with my bean, I will take it.

Smearing anti bac on my hands after opening the mail,

(Lil bean, please don't pick up mama's germ fears!!)

Bumpless Baby Mama

HOLY GRIPE WATER!

So, when Cora was around 5 weeks she went through what I call "Demon Baby Week."  There is a whole book and website on these weeks of a baby's life called, "The Wonder Weeks", which is pretty informative and generally accurate.  I keep a chart on my fridge that shows these weeks so when fire starts shooting out of Cora's eyes I can look up at it and be comforted that she is merely going through either physical growth spurts or mental growth spurts.  These come with extra neediness, crying that makes you think they have fire ants in their pants, and usually excessive eating.  You are instructed to hold the lil demon baby more, feed them more and of course, through my research, gripe watering the crap out of her.  Gripe Water, for those who don't know, is a natural remedy for babies w colic, gas, etc.  I think it has a tranquilizer in it and nobody is telling us.

I originally got it thinking maybe she had some gas.  And ya know, I have no idea what it is this time...the last week she has been on and off insane.  Quite bipolar, actually.  It fluctuates from sheer joy like Christmas morning to me right before my period, when my own demon eyes shoot fire.  Two nights ago I said, YA KNOW, let's give this ol Gripe Water another go.  Within 5 minutes of feeding the flip floppy, anxiety ridden child of mine, she was relaxed, staring at her hands as if she had taken a few hits from a bong, and passed out.  Light shone upon her from Heaven and I laid on the couch and wished Gripe Water could work on me like that.  Hmm, maybe I will try it.

Last night, lil screecher was up to her frets again.  I ran over to my favorite little syringe and shot that baby full of gripey goodness.  Again, within minutes, down like a hypnotized audience member.  Today was the most glorious of all.  Sidenote, you CAN give this to your baby every 6 hours, but I don't want to do it unless really needed, which is usually at night.  But this morning, sugar baby wanted SO badly to go to sleep.  You know, when are crying with their puffy lil red eyes closed, desperately fighting, but we all know they wanna go be in la la land just like mama.  I ran over to ol faithful, filled it up with the special juice and....by the time I finished emptying that deliciousness into her mouth, she was fast asleep.

Some of you may look up to a president, an inventor, a great business man, or maybe even Oprah.  I look up to the creator of Gripe Water.  Wherever you are, know you are my hero.  You have made both baby and mama look like this.

Miss Independant

Been a while!

I thought about just ending my blog at the adoption, but quite  a few people have been asking where it is and when I said I was probably just going to end it there, the response was not great.  Now that she is a little more predictable and I am getting more sleep, I will start it up again!  I also have another project in the works so time is limited.  If you know me, you know I dabble in many pots.  My A.D.D. takes over and I usually go between anything from painting, to guitar lessons, to photography, to blogging, to dance, to crafting, to...

Now that Cora is 3 months, she is VERY observant, active and...how do we put this...emotional!  I know that is most babies, but the last week her frustration with life is skyrocketing!  Don't get me wrong!  90% of the day she is an angel baby!  But there are these moments when I can not help but laugh at her.  They all are under the same category of wanting to be independent too soon.  As Captain Mama Bootcamp, I of course do tummy time/exercise time, and this has been great until this past week.  Now she has decided she really would like to sit up.  GREAT!  Progress!  At least she is interested in scooting around!  Unforuntaely, not so great for Cora.  She weeps.  She pulls her hands forward, pulls her head up and tries desperately to sit up, all the while weeping as if she is me not being able to reach my donut.  She looks at me like, "WHY is this happening mom!!!??"  So I hold her up in the sitting position, as she lets her last weeps out before I distract her with something else...like her monkey friends.

These monkey friends are the lil guys that twirl around above her swing.  I never understood their relationship.  She would sometimes smile at them, and often weep, tears running down her face, I thought from staring at them too long.  No, I think now, I know what it is.  Now that she can move her arms with direction/purpose, she is reaching up at them...yep...weeping.  I think she wants to grab them.  Eat them?  Who knows, but she wants them!  So, what does a mama do?  I took them down off the mobile and gave them to her, thinking I was so smart..."HERE YOU GOOOO!"  She batted poor lil curious george wanna be away and wept, looking at me like I was just adding to her problem.  Fine, lil bean, try and get up there yourself.  Good luck!

Yesterday and today both mark more exciting "get the hell off me and let me do it myself" moments.  Last night I thought maybe she was overtired or it was just a one off.  But then it happened twice again today.  I had her at tummy time/play mat and gave her her toy/teether.  It is Sophie the lil baby giraffe that is 'au natural' so all the mamas love it.  And all the hippest babies, do too, of course.

Including lil bean hipster.  So much that when she was trying to direct her into her mouth and couldn't, she wept so loudly I was surprised my neighbors did not call child services thinking there was 'an incident'.  I tried to help guide it for her, and THAT WAS IT! She and enough of my helping, pushed my hand away and lil Kelly Clarkson (Miss Independent, get it?! ) cried so hard she shook.  I picked her up, holding back my laughter and fear of the drama queen (my mom said I'd get one like me!) and bopped her around til she calmed down.  I put all toys back in the basket and stared at her... "Well what do you want to do?"  She smiled up at me as if nothing had happened and said a simple, "GoooooooOOOoohhhh."  We both laughed for different reasons, and turned on Jewel's Lullaby CD (what other lullaby CD would I have!?), I rocked her and I shook my head at her as she fell asleep, and I held on a little tighter, knowing my baby already wants to do things on her own.  

Lil Bean, you are growing up too fast and you are only 3 months!
Bumpless Baby Mama

Every Day is a New Day For Sure!

It has been a while because my little precious angel that was sleeping so much...stopped sleeping so much :)  And every day there is a new way to help her sleep/stop her fussing.  Every day is different, everyone said it, but now I realize it is literally every day.  One day doing lil jumps while holding her rushes her fast to sleep, other days the black silence I swore I would not succumb to is the only way!  Some days she loves snoop dogg/lion (yes the curse word versions, sorry.) and others she screams at any music at all.  Some days she sleeps the entire day, others she is up the entire day.  Some days I get laundry, shopping lists, floor cleaning AND amazon prime damage done all in one day!  Other days I am chained to her and the thought of putting her down and risking a screaming fit builds my bicepts if nothing else.  Some days she peacefully sleeps for two hours on my stomach, hers face down, as I Pinterest my dream kitchen.  Others she has to be held face forward staring out the window, staring at trees.  Some days I want to tap dance around the world with joy and some days (luckily only one so far!) I cry over my spaghetti and meatballs.

But with all of this chaos and uncertainty comes coos, smiles and even sporadic giggles!  With this comes knowing this is the time to want her to need me so much, want her to not let me put her down. In a few years it will be hard to get her to stay curled up with me at all!   With all of this comes watching her get more beautiful every day.  I don't know if it is just because I am her mama, but I seriously think she can't get any more beautiful and then she does!  With the ignoring laundry, one hand dusting, vacuuming and missing Real Housewives episodes live, comes staring at her face while she sleeps, on the verge of happy tears.  With having to plan routine Target runs or just an margarita escape with a girlfriend, comes loving being home with my family.  Treasuring the time we have together more than ever, even if it is watching an old ass episode of Mad Men while shoving food down our throats as fast as possible.  With the sometimes exhausting days, comes the pure joy I feel when I am able to take a nice hot shower bubbled up with strawberry scented shower gel, washing away the formula that somehow is on my collar bone.  And my hand, and is that poop on my stomach?  And when I come out of that paradise shower, seeing her little face staring at me wiggles my heart.  With missing part of myself sometimes, comes missing her when she is sleeping, or on that Target run that I sneak in the dark red lipstick I barely wear anymore, knowing I will wear it out on the town soon enough, right?  So excited to get out of the house, only an hour later, rushing to get back so I can kiss her chubby cheeks.  People told me how wonderful parenthood was, but like they said, there are no words.  I was not fully me until she was brought into our lives.  There are many things I am besides a wife and mother, and many hobbies and future careers I have/hope to have, but her and her daddy are the best part of me by far.  I do not shine as bright without them.

Finally at the place I dreamed about months ago, staring at your face, knowing you are ours forever.
Bumpless Baby Mama

Bumpless Baby Mama's Baby Tips (SO FAR!)

In my almost month-long time of mommy hood, I have figured out a few tricks that may save other mamas and papas some time as well!  My tips get shorter as the entry goes on, don't worry ;)

1.) PREP FEEDING TIME!  This one may be well known, but I didn't do it until last week when I realized just how tired you are in the middle of the night and how valuable 3 minutes can be!  PREP THAT BOTTLE, SON! (not son as in child but son as in the slang way of saying buddy/friend.  If you say it nice and loud you can really fit in with the thug kids.  I digress.)  So this one is easier said than done, especially with breast feeding.  Lucky for me, these knockers don't supply milk and we can put out our 3 overnight bottles out with just water so all we have to do is pour 2 scoops of powdery goodness in, shake it up, just in time to make our baby, who's cry now resembles a rapture's scream, end.  If your lil pillows of milk are the baby's direct supply of nutrients, you know the way to prep those...good ol pump ahead time.  But then you have the pain, so I am not sure how that all works.  Good luck, either way!  If you can prep in any way, do it.  And place something on the area you are sitting that is a nice flat surface for the bottle to rest on (yes, in my delirium before I did this, I got plenty of delicious formula on my couch), and have multiple bibs ready to act as cape on your super baby as she reaches for her belly satisfier.  My bassinet has storage I put bibs in, but if you want easy access, you can use a command hook on side of crib to hang a couple for easy access in the weeeee hours of the morning.  As a matter of fact just keep bibs and burp cloths in every room.  It can't hurt!  And command hooks on closet doors (unrelated, but a good tip!)

2.)  GET ORGANIZED!  Over the past years I have really trained myself to have OCD.  I wasn't always type A, and really am still Type B at heart, but it is like smiling, if you keep doing it, you become happy.  If you keep organizing, you become insane...er...very neat.  I can not tell you the time we have saved by having this little system in lil bean's closet.  We have all the frequently used items separated into bins (newborn age, but we will switch out as she ages), and those lil holes let you see right on in, so if you are looking for something specific, you got it!  While you are at it, get one of this pop up lights in her closet to light the way! I got the Cube Storage at Target (Circo Brand) and the bins at Dollar Tree (YES save that cash flo'....SON!),  but any bins that fit will do the job.  Preferably ones you can see through.  At this point I have memorized what is in each bin, but when the hubs goes to find something, my lovely LABELING SYSTEM (totally not insane.) makes it easy for him to dress lil bean quickly.  Sidenote:  She hates getting dressed more than anything in life.  The rapture in her comes out as if she has lost her prey.  I have never changed myself or anyone else as fast as I change her, it is like a race against myself, fearing what will happen if I take more than 10 seconds.

My ADD caused me to add pink bins in between the green, but you get the idea :)

3.) LEAVE CLOTHING IN THE CAR!  This one was a great idea from my dear friend Amanda, and would have come in handy that first car ride back from the hospital! ;)  Baby, Mama and Papa should all have one change of clothing JUUUST in case, things go south!  Or north!

4.)  GET LOUD!  This one is not hard for me since I am a loud mouth.  And I continue to be.  I have known people to whisper and be super quiet around babies and sometimes that can results in babies getting so used to the quiet that they can only sleep when it is quiet.  Babies are used to loud noises like heart beat, swishing blood through veins (I know I know, gross...but true.), and mommy's voice echoing in her body through pregnancy.  So keep the noise going!  Lil bean sleeps through a lot.  Between me, my "Flip That House" blaring on the TV, and the vacuum, she will be used to noise.  And I like that.  I know some may beg to differ, and you may do so.  Go ahead.  Differ.

OK I won't take it this far.

5.)  WHO HAS TIME TO BOIL ALL THOSE THINGS?  I thought I did, and I forgot it was boiling. So, idea number 2?  Run all of those bottle parts through the dishwasher WITHOUT SOAP...burn those germs out with the hot water and save yourself time...and the risk of a burnt down house due to baby brain.  If you DO boil them, try to get them on the right burner ;)

6.) USE FUSSY HOUR TIME WISELY!  Give that lil bean a nice warm bath!  It is a good use of time, and in our case, calms her right down!  Like mama like daughter.  I could stay in a warm bath for years.  Probably would be pretty wrinkly, though.

7.)  STOCK UP AND PRE BUY!  If you can afford to and have the storage, become a couponer and stock up to save you trips to the store and emergency errand running in the future.  I also look out for clearance items at the end caps at Target and have gotten some amazing deals on future items like sippy cups, toddler fork and spoon and other necessities.  Look at for Target's gift card deals, I got one today that was buy 4 household items get 10 dollar gift card.  Since we always use paper towels and trash bags, I stocked up and got 10 bucks back!  It will save you lots in the long run!  You don't need a specific place for storage either, we use our guest bathroom linen closet in the basement for our back stock of big items.  Or if you don't have any extra linen closet or space, keep your jackets upstairs and use your entry closet as storage.  Bring guests jackets up to the guest room when you have visitors cooing over your little one.

8.)  DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOU!  Obviously lil bean is number one!  But don't forget about you and don't forget about your partner!  I have still kept up with my Monday night Bachelorette viewings with my friend and my husband carves out time to continue his music projects.  If you don't have a partner see if a friend or family member will come watch baby for an hour or two once a week so you can have  some you time.  My husband and I also grab time when we can for 'us', whether it be catching up on "Mad Men" (I know, we are a tad behind) or getting take out and snugglin up!  And then we have our stroller walks with lil bean that were going SO nicely until we hit a bump in the sidewalk and well...where was that bib?!

I know there are more but brain is quickly oozing out of my ear.
Go ahead and feel free to add more baby tips!

I still can't believe you are here and ours, lil bean.
Bumpless Baby Mama

Why We Chose Domestic Adoption vs. International Adoption

Inquiring minds want to know, so we shall tell!  I forget if I touched on this at all, but one of the very first steps of the adoption process is choosing domestic or international.  It is very common these days to go international, and I understand why.  After we weighed our pros and cons, we came to the decision to stay within the US while adopting.  Our main reason was adoption is already a tough/long process, and adding the layer of dealing with other country's laws scared us.  There are so many countries to choose from, and it seemed hard enough just trying to narrow down agencies within the US, so I can't imagine the time and research to just FIND which country we wanted to pick and researching all of their laws.  The US laws minorly (is that a word?  Probably not since it is highlighted in red) change from state to state, but we know the language here and felt safer staying within our own country's legal system.  And I have a family full of lawyers that study law in the US if anything went crayyy they could create a football team of Irish defenders a la bumpless baby mama, so that made me feel safer as well.  The other aspect we weren't keen on was time and money traveling to another country.  Some countries make you travel there multiple times, some make you stay for an extended period of time before you can take baby home, and the hubs can't exactly be off work for who knows how long.  Here is a chart from adoptivefamilies.com that also shows a cost comparison.

Speaking of lonnnng!  Depending on the country, the process can take YEARS and mama and papa wanted their lil bean as soon as possible.  Part of our agency research included finding placements that were mostly within a year.  We lucked out and got placed in less than 2 months, but that was an insane miracle.  Wait...was it luck or a miracle, bumbless?  Baby brain rears its ugly head.  Another reason we chose domestic, is we did think it would be good for our bean to know about their parent/s.    From what we have heard, some countries have totally closed adoptions, no information on the parents.  In the beginning we did not intend on having an open adoption further than pictures and letters, but after extensive late night book reading and discussing open adoption with others in the adoption world who have it, we decided it was the best choice to do a visit a year.  For those of you cringing, I get it, I did, too.  I was dead against it, but knowledge is power.  So says that cheesy 90's commercial.  If you'd like to read about benefits of open adoption...read this lil blurb that I did not write, but it's a good summary.  (advantages for all 3 parties involved) http://americanpregnancy.org/adoption/openadoptionadvantages.htm

A big reason people go out of the country is because there is no revocation period like here in the US (where birthmothers can change their mind.)  I get it, it seems silly to some people that anyone would risk taking home a child to possibly have them taken back after 2-30 days.  And the 10 days we went through were nail biting, anxiety ridden hell, I will not lie.  But we went in knowing it could happen, had faith whatever happened would be God's plan, and hoped the 20% chance the adoption would 'fail', was not the percentile we were in.   I felt like there is always a chance of miscarriage, SIDS, really anything in life, and this is just one of those things that are a risk, and in my opinion, worth the risk.  Would I have devastated if it fell through?  Absolutely.  But for whatever reason our heads and hearts felt called to adopting domestically.  It is not for everyone, but there is no such thing as 'everyone.'  There are children right here in our own country that need good homes, and from the moment lil bean was placed in our arms I felt like God had lined everything up right so we could be a family.  I was scared shizzless I was wrong, but turns out I am right, and I am SO very glad our perfect match was right here in our own country.  And on top of it our own STATE, which we did NOT plan.  God knows what he is doing, and whatever his reasons, I will never question him.  OK, I probably will, but not today :)

There are more pros and cons but mama is freakin tired and needs to feed herself.  As always, if you have questions, feel free to ask me!

God Bless America, as they both brought me straight to you,
Bumpless Baby Mama

20 Things I Have Learned in the First Week of Being a Mother

I know everyone says you don't know this and don't know that until you are a mother, and boy are they right!  The following are just a few things I can think of off hand that I have learned so far:

1.  How fast you go from, 'me first' to 'baby first', it's amazing.
2.  How fast you can block yourself from projectile poop.  And the amazing colors it can be.
3.  The focus you can maintain on little sleep when it is for your child.
4.  At the same time, how that focus can be lost at 4am when you bring her into the guest room instead of the nursery to change her.

5.  How much support you have.  And how many people want to feed you.  Mainly chicken.  And I love chicken, so this works out quite well.
6.  How easy it is to forget to feed yourself.  Good thing we have so much chicken!
7.  How you can fall in love with your husband all over again watching him fall in love with your child.
8.  Yoga pants ARE pretty comfy.
9.  You will tell yourself a lot of things you won't do as a mom.  Yoga pants was one of mine.  FAIL.

10.  Hand me downs are a life saver.  And money saver.  My bff has stocked me for our daughter's entire life.
11.  For such a tiny baby, you will certainly do a lot of laundry for them!  Where did that little sock go??
12.  Pacifier clips are essential.  Finally got one today and am excited to not have to rewash the pacifier after the 9000th time in a day baby hulk darts it across the room.
13.  You can never have enough diapers, formula and wipes.  Anyone who gives you these gets to be called aunt or uncle.
14.  All nipples are not created equal.  I am not talking boob nipples, but bottle nipples.  Our daughter was sloppily chugging like nobody's business until we realized slow flow is the way to go.  And we thought she was just hungry!
15.  It will take you 3 hours to actually finish an episode of Mad Men.
16.  You will never sleep the same again.  You will check that they are breathing way too often and worry when they breath too loud.
17.  Newborns do not smile, they have gas that causes their lips to curve upward.  Even if your husband insists he causes all of her smiles.  Let him believe it, but it's what we now call 'puffies' because little baby girls don't fart.

I am puffing on your shag prop!

18.  You can actually stare at your baby's face for hours and not get bored.  You will try to memorize their face, knowing how fast they change.  And every time they open their eyes from a long sleep it is like winning the lotto.
19.  You will take too many pictures, post too many pictures and think, "Oh boy, now I am that mom."  And you are.  And that's ok.  Because the people who love you will be happy for you even if their news feed is 178 different views of your baby sleeping.  BUT I MEAN SHE HAS HER RIGHT HAND UP IN THIS ONE!
20.  You will feel you have found more meaning in life.  You will feel your heart fill to the brim with a love so strong, you don't even know what to do with it.  You will try to savor each moment while also looking forward to the next stage.  You will have a found a love you never felt before.

My husband wanted to add a bonus item he has learned:

"Little burps = big rejoices and big poop=big panic."

I will leave you with those words of wisdom.

We love learning about you, lil bean, can't wait until...right now :)
Bumpless Baby Mama

Getting the Call and the Hospital Stay

Where do I start?!  I guess getting the call.  I was enjoying a lunch after church with my friends and the phone rang.  It was a local unfamiliar number and my heart raced.  I had just been talking to my friend about how I had a dream she was coming June 29th and it was June 29th.  She stared at me and it took a second for me to pick it up, because I just knew.  "Hello?" came out in shakiness and I felt flushed.  The social worker told me to pack up and come down, as BM was in labor.  I hung up, my one friend got me a box to take my food and me and my friend's eyes welled up with a slight coat of tears.  This was it.  We hadn't gotten to actually installing the carseat yet, though it was IN the car, so we met my husband (who had been in class) at the house and my friend's husband and him did that and I went off to pack.  My emotions made me feel like a basket case.  I went from running around, throwing anything I could into my bag, unlike my usual OCD put-everything-in-little-packing-cubes-inside-the-suitcase-self.  I felt elated, then a second later found myself yelling at my husband to eat his pizza faster!  I didn't wanna miss this!  We were 4 hours away.  I didn't even know what I packed but made sure to get my phone and essentials.  The car already had the baby stuff in it, thank goodness!  We got in the car and headed out.  I felt relief, it had finally come.

Pretty good idea of what things were looking like.

The Birthmother had a long labor after her water broke, so needed a c-section. We had met with her and her family before delivery while she was feelin' good on epidural.  It was tough.  Her mother looked like she could bust out crying at any moment and when it was time for us to leave so the BM could rest, I walked out crying for her mother.  Something that was bringing us joy was bringing their family pain.  This is such an emotional process for everyone, and I can not imagine what it is like on the other end.  We slept one hour and then got the call, and the hospital set us up in our very own hospital room!!!  We met lil bean mere minutes after delivery, and got to watch her getting tested, cleaned and immediately feeling like we belonged together. I can not begin to express how amazing this hospital was.  A couple of the nurses were in families that had adopted, so not sure if that played into it, but we felt like we were more at a hotel than hospital.  They even gave us gifts- 2 blankets, outfits, bibs, hats, and she said she could tell I liked pink so everything was pink lol!  One nurse even came in when she wasn't working to chat with us before we were discharged.  

One of the nurses told us to go in (the day after birth) to visit the BM and give them their gifts (typical thing to do in open adoptions).  I had put together a spa package for her and they love the movies so we got them gift cards as well.  We went into the room and the air was filled with somber silence that quickly turned into our regret of visiting the room.  The birth grandmothers eyes were red from sadness and lack of sleep and everything at that moment was so real.  I asked BM how she was feeling (physically), gave the gifts and we made a quick exit.  The lump came back up my throat as I thought about everything she was going through.  I tried to shift focus, knowing there wasn't much I could do or say to her, though I desperately wanted to.  We grabbed lil bean from the nursery and cradled her, her alert eyes staring up at us, and melting our hearts.

My lactose intolerant heart is melting like butta.

The hospital was a decent time, we got ok sleep and my husband's sister and parents came to visit since they were nearby!  Everyone cautiously falling in love with her, knowing nothing is official until the revocation period is over.  Which haunts me as well.  This has been the longest week of my life.  The best and worst.  I am falling madly in love and scared shizzless that could be taken away.  I was never afraid we wouldn't bond, but now that it is here and real and we are bonding, I am hooked on lil bean.  My heart is full, and when the deadline hits, it will be bittersweet.  Overjoyed for us, and aching knowing the birthmother will have this on her heart the rest of her life.  We have gathered pictures of our first few days together to send her (an agency requirement), and pray for her every day.  I hope her seeing how loved lil bean is will comfort her.  For those of you who have showed your love via visits, calls, texts, fb comments, etc., you have no idea how much it means to us to know we not only have so much love to give her, but the outpouring of love from friends and family makes me wanna vomit...in a good way ;)  We have amazing people in our lives, and I have no doubt that if lil bean is forever with us, she will be surrounded by love on all sides.  

There is so much more to say about the first days of motherhood, I will save it for next post.  Being a first time mom is a riot and learning experience, for sure!  Please excuse any typos or half sentences, as my brain leaked out of my head around 4am ;)

Are you really here, lil bean???   Please say it is so.

Bumpless Baby Mama

SURE! Have some more money! And Babymoon Adventures!

So we had a LOVELY babymoon this past week at a beach only a few hours away!  Maybe no Jamaica, but the weather was nice, we got to see family and got to do Karaoke!  Who can complain? :)  I must say, with all of the adoption stuff going on this past year, I have not been able to relax as much as this past week in a very long time!  I even slept until noon one day!  Craziness.  Pretty sure that will never happen again.  Ever.  So when we get back, back to stress life!

 Welcome back, fools!

So we had a huge stack of mail upon return and opened an envelope from our agency.  How payment works is you pay when you are MATCHED, not placed.  So basically you have to give everything up front, which is different from many agencies (some split it up into 3rds, etc.).  So we ALREADY PAID.  This is where I get confused!  The letter we open says their fee schedule has changed (our fee schedule/contract is good through June 30th).  They say we now owe 2 grand more?!  OH OK!  Let's just jump up and grab that from our  money tree!  

Mike looks good pickin dollas!

But seriously, it just makes no sense to me since we already were matched and paid?!  My hope is that lil bean is born before the fee schedule from last year expires, because then there is NO way there is any loophole making it that we have to pay the 2k!  They DO say in the original paperwork that fee schedules expire June 30 of every year, but we paid already.  Just seems wrong ethically, no?  Can I get a whaaa whaaa?

You are worth every penny, but mama is a lil annoyed at your agency, baby girl!

Bumpless Baby Mama  

Nursery Almost Done!

So in yesterday's blog you saw the hubs hard at work measuring and post-iting!.  Last night was my turn!  I may not be good at math, but I can peel of a mean decal!!  They don't look it here, but are a lovely gold.  Take that, Angelina! (she may have a gold crib but I have DOTS! lol)

 Please excuse my "LOVE" butt.  I think I am 17.

My OCD took over and I think my polka dots are as precise as you can get!  And guess what came early in the mail?!   My pink ruffly wonder curtain!  Quite wrinkled out of the bag, but I had to put it up to see it live and in color!  I love how the room is turning out!  My friend Melissa gave me this lamp FREE, that I was using in the guest room, but it goes perfectly in the nursery (gold base, etc.), so I swapped it out!  Thanks Melissa, you are a sweetheart <3

I ordered a cheesy quote for above the crib, and then everything I have planned so far will be complete! Tonight I am having a much needed WINE NIGHT with the ladies and then off to the beach me and the hubs go to relax and hang with my sis in law before lil bean arrives!!  

Can I really relax, even on the beach?

How you like your ruffles giiiiirl??

Bumpless Baby Mama

Down to the OCD Wire and I Surrender to You, Excitement!!!

The past week has been interesting.  Stress has taken over my body and me no likeeeyyyy!  I have had a very tough time falling asleep which is SO not me...ever!  I was always a night owl but even when I am a little stressed, I have always passed right into never never land as soon as my head hit the pillow.  Now I lay restless, running through my to do list, worrying if the birthparents will change their minds (despite the fact I believe whatever happens will turn out fine, I will still weep like a baby), and wishing I had the metabolism I used to so I could stuff my face with Wendy's nuggets sopped in BBQ sauce, a dozen pink sprinkled donuts and maybe throw in some mouth watering KFC chicken while we are at it.

 or ten.

Instead, I am trying to work out, take baths and listen to weird sounds like automated hyper summer crickets, as I dig my head into my crumpled fluff of a pillow, hoping it will take me to a restful place until I face my alarm clock in the morning.  The working out part is a joke.  I have a stationary bike I decided to 'ride' yesterday while I caught up on Real Housewives of NYC.  WOAH...I was winded after 15 minutes!  And my hip hurts today.  There, I said it.  Granny's hip hurts.  So my plan is to work out EVERY day, not too intense every day, but at least stretch or do some down dog type shiz on days in between my dance videos and bike.  Yes, dance videos like in 1984.  Except now they are on demand.  And you can pause that lil b when she gets too crazy on you, it's great.

My OCD like tendancies have taken over and I keep 'redoing' things in the nursery.  Or thinking of things I'd like to add.  One fine addition is gold polka dots on an accent wall (not shown).  Here is my poor husband who, since he is the math man in the fam,  grid out the placement of where they will go.  This was not a 20 minute project, I will say that!  Don't worry, I didn't leave him all alone on this tedious journey.  I stayed to direct.

 See how many lovely uses the ol Post-Its have? 

 I am waiting on new curtains as well.  I found some pink ruffly ones.  I was not going to purchase gender specific items until everything was finalized.  But I am me.  And I just couldn't contain myself and feel like we deserve to pink dazzle up the nursery just like others do!  I realized if everything falls through, spending 20 bucks on a curtain (that I could exchange within 90 days) or a lamp (again, 90 day exchange policy), wouldn't make me any more disappointed then I will be if it ends up that way.  It was getting too hard to be so cautious and try not to get excited.  So as more stress comes, it is balanced out by the excitement that is officially settled, cuddled up on a cozy couch nestled in my body.  I am excited and I am going to let myself be excited.  I know the risks, but I want to feel this like everyone else gets to as they near the end of their pregnancy (excitement and back pain, of which somehow I have both).

I can't feel you in my belly, but I definitely feel you in my heart <3
Bumpless Baby Mama

We Are Not Broken.

"Why are you adopting?" I have gotten this question before.  And I usually answer that I have always considered adoption, just something I have thought about doing and then if it is someone I feel like telling (or my blog ;)), I go further into saying I had a procedure that left me in the high risk pregnancy category, so it all worked out nicely.  Today, my answer changed.  Only because of how the woman asked.  It was a woman who used to do my nails. I never did mention I was adopting, so the first question seemed natural out of her mouth, "Hi!!!  When are you going to have a baby?"  I said, "Actually in about a month."  She looked down and I interrupted her confused stare, "We are adopting."  I don't remember the exact order of the next sentences, but something like this...She said, "WHY!? " I said, "Because I am."  She said, "WHY?  Why don't you have your own baby!?"  The way in which she was asking seemed as though she was very confused why anyone would adopt.  She seemed insistent on knowing why I was doing such a thing, and then she said, "You should have your own baby!" So out it came, "Because I don't want my baby to look like me."  I have no idea where it came from, just my sarcasm at its finest, better that than what I would have said 10 years ago to her.  But my friend laughed at my 'christylike' comment, and nail lady continued, "No REALLY?  Is she joking??"  I said, "No, I am adopting."  She asked "Why?" one more time before I pointed to my belly and said, "Because I am broken."  She laughed and pointed at me as we walked away,.  I have no idea what was going on in her mind.  I tried to chalk it up to language barrier.  But I have had long conversations with this women while prettying up my feet for an hour, and she speaks and seems to understand just fine. 

I do not look really at myself as being broken.  But it is way too hard to explain to someone on your way out of a restaurant, that is yelling across the street at you asking why you are adopting and telling you that you should have your own child.  But I will say I am mad at myself.  I am mad at myself for even joking saying I am broken because I know that me and all the women who may not be able to, or are high risk to have children biologically, are far from broken.  God's plans are never broken.  Since I was a child, I have lived by the quote, "What is meant to be will be."  Maybe that is on a more religious level now, but I always have and always will believe that.  I am sorry for saying that even as a joke.  I am going to go back to her when I am there next time and tell her the truth.  "I am adopting because God loves a child so much and us so much that he wants to put us together in this crazy life."

The only thing broken about me is not having you yet,
Bumpless Baby Mama

The Phone is Now My Enemy!

I am glad we were matched late in the pregnancy, because now every time the phone rings and it isn't a number I recognize, my heart literally drops down past my knees!  OK maybe not literally, cause I'd probably not be alive to write this, but MAN, it feels like it!  I now have my agency's number saved in my phone (took long enough), but we may get a call from one of a few social workers' cell phones at any point, which they don't give the numbers out to for obvious reasons.  So now, whenever I see my state's area code, I get a flush of heat over my face, and become half paralyzed, fearing that it is someone on the other end, relaying that the birthparents have changed their mind.  Today was my boss's birthday lunch, and my phone buzzed.  I looked down, saw the area code and didn't want to be rude, so obviously didn't answer, then the rest of the ol lunch bunch's conversation went straight through my left ear out of my right, distracted of what could be waiting on a message for me in that  rectangular circuit of emotions in my purse.  I half smiled through the rest of lunch, scampering off to listen to the message when I got in my car.  I tapped the play button and it was the freakin Subaru dealership.  Ahhhh, relief!  Never so excited to hear from a car salesman!

You are makin my heart beat fast already, lil bean!!
Bumpless Baby Mama

Bye Bye Honda ?!

I never thought this day would come!  I am trading in my Civic for something bigger and more baby/kid-friendly.  I was going to go with the CRV but the overlap safety rating wasn't the best and the small tiny back window wasn't my preference.  SO...I test drove the Subaru Forester, which looks-wise isn't my favorite, but it is amazing with safety and has all sorts of good things going for it (AWD, big ol sunroof, 10 way power seat recliner, great ground clearance)!  I have been researching for a bit now, comparing stats and this keeps coming out the winner winner chicken dinner.  Please speak now if you object! So later this week I am going to take it for 24 hours and zoom around town and see if this is...THE ONE.  And if it is... clearly I have to put this on it:

 

OK, I know I can't really do that, but it IS so me, isn't it lol!  Which says a lot.  That's all I got today.

Sorry by the time you can read this blog, mama probably still swears around your precious ears, but I am sure it is less than it used to be.  Mama is trying her best,

Bumpless Baby Mama

No Jamaica No Cryyyyyy!

After writing up an ol' pro/con list, we have decided to not go to Jamaica Mon, for our Babymoon.

PROS OF GOING:
-Jamaica!
-Relax before we become parents!
-Jamaica!

CONS OF GOING:
-we would be nervous the whole time that birthmama will go into labor (she was a premie herself and I have read signs point to early labor being hereditary).
-Since there are variables like available emergency flights back, connection flights, cab availability, connection flights, etc., it could be VERY high stress, lots of travel time and possibly not getting there by the time we would like to.

 This would be us after getting the call, running to the airport, half neked.  Looks hectic.

-If she did go into early labor (2-2.5 weeks early if it is during our babymoon time), we would have to fly straight into where the hospital is located and have none of our items (carseat, bottles, diapers, all that newborn crap that is in our GO NOW box!)




PROS OF NOT GOING:
-We happen to have an amazing sister that lives near the beach and says we can stay with her instead if we want!

We can still have alllll this, plus more time with our sis!! 

-We will literally be 20 minutes from the hospital if birthmom DOES go into labor and we stay with sis.
-Lower stress level not going out of the country while waiting

CONS OF NOT GOING:
-No Jamaica mon!
-We lose 25 bucks and have to have a credit on the airline for a year (positive: we will be forced to go to Jamaica next Summer!), WAH WAH...think we can suck that one up!


Obviously it is a no brainer...
And bottom line...
WHO CARES ABOUT JAMAICA WHEN IF ALL GOES AS PLANNED WE WILL HAVE A LITTLE BABY BEAN GIRL IN AROUND 5 WEEKS!!!

If all does not go as planned with lil bean baby girl,  you bet your arse we will be replanning that trip ASAP so at least when I am weeping, it will be into the cliffs of Jamaica.  or into this.

Hoping my tears are falling onto you instead of a margarita in a few weeks! 
Bumpless Baby Mama

Baby Girl Nursery !

OK, let's wipe our tears from yesterday's blog.  I got many texts and calls saying I made people weep and that was not my intention! :)  Let's lighten it up a little today!!!

NOOOOOPE, not gettin ahead of myself AT ALL ;)  So I know, this could fall through, so technically I shouldn't be all gender specific just yet.  But I have not purchased any gender specific items for this room besides the adorable knobs that if I have to, I can move to my vanity dresser in my makeup room.  Until then, they are showing themselves off proudly on the 20 dollar Craigslist dresser I got!  Look at them gleam!  I also added some random gold knobs I had for a necklace holder project that I never got done.  I only had 4 and need 2 more so they are on their way for the bottom drawers.  Knobs make a difference, I tell ya!

Extreme Close Up on gold polka dotted preciousness!  Clearance 3 buck items!

I know, I get excited about odd things like drawer pulls, but if you know me, that comes as no surprise.  If it is pink and glittery, it may as well be a trip to Hawaii.  We put together the crib my awesome mama got us this weekend.  It took a couple house due to holes not quite being aligned, but we did it! I am happy with the way it looks, pretty simple.  We wouldn't want to outshine the fancy dresser knobs!

I am not doing a 'monkey theme' but they sure are cute.  My brother passed along a monkey hamper they never used (right side) and if you could touch that monkey blanket, you woulda bought it too!  I wish they came in adult size!  If there was a sage green cloud with a monkey face, this would be it!  That green painting is from when this was a guest room, and will be replaced by some gender specific cute thing that I find on pinterest after adoption is complete ;)

I got this white changing table on our community facebook site for 20 buckaroos!  I jazzed it up with some pink baskets I had (seeee, still not purchasing girl stuff!!) and covered the bottom baskets with an extra crib skirt I got free.  Look at da wiw bunny wabbbit.  I may change that to something with gold polka dots, but I like the idea of it.  The mattress cover was a hand-me-down as was the comfy glider that I am sure I will spend many nights dozing off on!  We have darn good people that are so giving and sweet.  It is cool how this nursery will have parts from different people in our lives, it makes it quite special.  OH, the pillows.  That green pillow has gold polka dots (see a theme here?), got it off Etsy and paired with the pink pillow my friend got me years ago, it brings everything together nicely!  That lamp in the back is gold and crystal, yet another glorious hand-me-down from a friend!  The mirror I got from Kirklands last year, it is green and was on sale for 19 bucks!  Love livin on the cheap!!

So I changed this around a little bit, replacing two of the green bins with pink and will put those 2 green bins elsewhere.  This looked too cluttered for me.  That hanging thing on the right included the fabric drawers, baby velvet hangers and the dividers that you put stickers on each.  They come with stickers with days of the week, types of clothing and sizes (I used the 0-3 months, 3-6 months, etc).  All for 25 bucks on Amazon!  I thought it was a nice price, and a gorgeous sage green!  Can't say no to that! See, non gender specific!  I can throw those pink bins in the basement if lil bean ends up not being the lil bean we think she will be at this point.  I got the cube storage at Target (Circo brand).  People usually use the fabric bins in them, but I like these because THEY WERE A DOLLAR EACH at Dollar Tree!  And you can see through them, so it will make changing a baby that much easier at 2am.  You can't see it, but that white basket MAY or may not have a glittery whimsical finish.  Inside it is books Mike's sister got us to start our nursery library!  One of the books is called, "Born From the Heart" and I can not read it again for a while, because I weep.  It is beautiful.  If you are part of the adoption world, you must purchase it!  Those lil fuzzy friends are mine that Mike has given to me through the years.  I have a collection of about 10, that odds are will make their way into lil bean's possession.  I have a couple plans for wall art once baby gender is definite.  So this is it so far!

Hope you love your nursery, pink knobs or not. I will love you pink knobs or not <3

Bumpless Baby Mama

Birthparent Meeting Update!

I imagine this will be a long blog, so get those eyeballs ready and maybe grab some tea ;)

Yesterday was a very emotional day.  This whole ride is becoming more emotional, but different because it is like having split personalities.  Yet even worse because you are feeling all of the emotions all at once.  Sometimes you go back and forth from fear, excitement, etc. but sometimes it is almost as if you are feeling it all at once and your brain is so overwhelmed with different feelings you almost feel numb.  I came out of the meeting basically 'high' and ten minutes later was staring off like a robot, not even able to describe what I was feeling, and nor could Mike.  It is too much to express.

So...the meeting.  On the way there, my wedding photographer said he would do newborn photo session for a HUGE discount since we are adopting.  I was so excited, I called my mom and she started laughing at me.  I was like "What are you laughing at?!"  She said, "You are just so YOU!  You focus on the weirdest things when big events are happening.  All the little details, like chanigng the knobs on the nursery dresser and photos!"  I thought about it, she WAS right.  I guess it is a distraction from the bigger things :)  They are SUPER cute knobs, though!

We got to the agency, filled out paperwork, handed over our left leg/fat check, and then she said, "They are here!!"  MY heart dropped as I looked up and saw the birthparents.  They looked so young and were absolutely adorable.  They had such high energy it made everything easier, and I felt better being myself/high energy.  The BM was beautiful.  Gorgeous darkish red hair and gleaming bluish green eyes.  Fair skin, but not dull, almost like porcelain.  She was exactly my size,  plus a baby bump!  The BF looked straight out of a surfer magazine, about 5'11, athletic, with light brown hair and pretty blue eyes.  The agency suggests bringing a small gift for BM, so I got her a journal and the BF (can't leave him out!) a table top little football thing and scrabble bookmark (he loves to read).  I passed the gifts over and the BM squealed and opened the pink chevron bag, "OH WOW THANK YOU!"  Her face lit up, but not as much as the BF's when he said the bookmarks, "Oh my God, this is awesome.  AND IT'S scrabble?! I love scrabble!  We play it all the time!"  Score.


And then we started chatting.  They both had such magnetizing personalities.  I didn't expect it to be so 'easy' and not awkward.  They were both a riot, super goofy, and the sadness and negative feelings all sat quietly tucked under the table as we covered them up with getting to know about each other and even joking around!  Clearly we were all distracting ourselves from the hard part.  Which of course did come up, and at this point we were pretty comfortable with each other.  BM started to talk about why they are placing their baby girl up for adoption, and I started getting the ol lump in the throat.  The Social worker slide her a tissue.  Then BM looked up at me and tears were filling up in her sea-green eyes.  I said, "If you go, I go!" (the tears were already in the cannon!) and the social worker slide a tissue over my way, too.  She continued to talk and our tears remained quivering as we both tried to be strong.  Two minutes later we were all back to talking and joking.  There were a couple moments of tear welling, but overall, it was a very positive meeting.  The social worker mentioned multiple times how similar me and BM were, and that was a very cool thing to me.  Quite a compliment.

The BM and BF were just amazing.  Both highly intelligent, in college, but more importantly, such unique awesome personalities.  If all goes as planned, we will be raising one energetic, smart, funny, amazing little girl! 

I promised BM that we would give her child a very fun life, full of unconditional love and be surrounded by tons of family and friends.  I went to go on and she interrupted me and said, "I have no doubt in my mind about that, that is why I picked you."  She told us about how at her Dr appointment, while she was choosing between us and another family, when they asked where the adoptive parents lived, she said our area.  She said her gut decided for her at that moment.

The social worker at this point looked at me and said, "Do you want to tell her what you told me?"  WAY TO PUT ME ON THE SPOT lol!  I said, "The dreams?"  She said, "yea?" So, I did.  I felt comfortable enough with them both.  I said, "OK, well I have had both dreams and 'visions'' my whole life, kind of like predictions, lots of them accurate...OH GREAT now I sound crazy person!" (but they were cooky, so I knew they wouldn't even flinch) "But I have had multiple dreams/visions for the past 7 months that we end up bringing home a baby girl in July.  With reddish hair."  The BM was like, "That is amazing.  Weird thing, I get 'visions', too."   So, we are both pale faced freaks with big mouths and psychic dreams :) 

I was nervous when we left because there was talk that they had planned a baby shower.  That made me think about how they at some point felt they could do it themselves, enough to have a shower.  It had been lingering, so I emailed my social worker my concern.  She emailed me back more specifics of how they came to their final decision and said they were very mature and thoughtful and that these are the types of situations that work out, ones that have been well thought out.  It made me feel better.  Again, whatever happens happens, but of course I am absolutely terrified.  The situation seems so great and like the stars aligned so perfectly, and it would be an 'ideal' situation.  I know that fate is fate and God has a plan...and if bringing baby girl home forever is His plan for us, I sure like his style.

I am sure there are more details Im forgetting, and if you have questions just comment below.  My brain is on extreme overdrive and emotions flowin!  I want to thank all of you who have followed my story and been there, it honestly means more than you know.  Your care for us and our journey makes it more fun and we feel so supported.  The calls, texts and emails are overwhelmingly beautiful.  We are very very lucky people.  So thank you for that.

Taking out another tissue, waiting for you...I just want to hit Fast Forward and have you in my arms,
Bumpless Baby Mama

It's a Girl! And What to Get the Birthmother ?

Disclaimer: The baby is NOT born yet, will be born in the next couple of months...

MAN...it just gets harder and hard to not get excited.  I am doing my best.  But my best was when my social worker sent me an email this morning that said, "Pick out some girl names!"  I shrieked out loud, I  nearly broke the windows.  So my best isn't doin so hot! I am doing a lot of talking to myself in my head these last few days.  "Chill out.  Things can change.  This could fall through.  Think positive but chill the hell out!"   And then my mind drifts to adding pink dashes of color throughout the nursery and picturing if she will have red hair like her mother.  And obviously as a planner, we have had names picked out for months now, for either gender.  I will leave that detail out until everything is finalized, gotta hold back in SOME way ;) 

HEY! Come here, stork...gimme that baby! 

I have even googled dominant vs recessive genes as far as their hair and eye color goes (the birthmother and father are Caucasian)?  I literally have written up equations to figure out the most likely combination.  Trying to find control in a completely we are not in control situation.  IT is a cute combo, btw!  I will save that detail, too.  Can't get ahead of myself.  Too late for that, huh, pink nursery stuff already dancing around in my head??  But when the social worker is telling you to get a name ready, it is encouraging.  Odds are in our favor, but statistics are statistics.  I feel like God does not do statistics!  God has plans for people and trying to figure out likelihood of a failed adoption by numbers something like this is pretty useless.  I will just trust that the big guy has it all laid out for us and in less than 2 months we will know either way.

 That looks about right?!

We are meeting the birthmother and birthfather next week.  The agency encourages you to bring the birthmother a small gift.  NO PRESSURE! lol...I mean, it isn't exactly a happy birthday party here!! What kind of gift do you give someone that is heart broken and this is not a fun time for them?  Since we both write poetry, I thought it'd be nice to write a poem, but that seems to personal for now. Then my friend said if she loves to paint, too, give her some sort of paint supply...artists paint their way through emotions, it'd be perfect!  So I am thinking about that.  Any more ideas welcome! :)

Our meeting will basically be just talking/asking questions and they say you can bring a photo album to show them even more pics of extended family, etc (they have already seen our profile book).  UMM, our photo album is on facebook lol!  We have just one printed album off snapfish of our first year of marriage, etc. that I made for Mike cause we are cheesy lol! 

Wow.  I just realized our birthmother meeting is on our wedding anniversary.  What are the odds?? God's odds, I guess! ;)

Trying REALLY hard to hold back,but it is tough, Lil bean,

Bumpless Baby Mama