First of all, thank you for those who wrote such supportive notes to me, and emailed, texted or called to see how our first visit went. All in all, it went ok. I ended up feeling a lot sadder than I anticipated (damn those sympathetic feelings!), and having stronger uneasy feelings that I imagined, even though I fully expected to feel awkward at moments.
My mom ended up coming with us, and that was comforting. I call my mom my "Lifelong bandaid." She just makes everything better, makes me feel safer, calmer (even though we are both about as hyper as you get) and I will always be the little girl holding my mom's hand as we cross the street. As a street I had never traveled, it was a good one to have her standing between me and the cars.
We got there, and as God would have it, parked at the exact same time right next to the birth family. Right away they oogled over lil bean and we said hello. We had all brought food and headed to a park table, where I immediately handed lil bean to the birth mother. It just felt natural to do so, and looking at her a year later, as I thought may happen, my heart sank for her. She looked saddened, completely different physically and had an edge to her that she didn't before. She held lil bean like I held her. She kissed the top of her head the way I do, and pet her back just as I do. That was the 'hard' part for me, which I know is nothing compared to how hard it was for her. So I had to put those feelings aside, the selfish feelings, yet understandable feelings. The feelings I can not put a label on. Maybe a mix of being a little threatened, yet knowing lil bean is mine and always will be. Maybe jealousy they have a blood bond that I will never have, but knowing we have a special bond anyway. Maybe protection, will having someone cuddle her and treat her so intimately confuse her later down the line? As a mother, I want the very best for her. And as most moms, adoptive moms or not, we don't always know the answers. We all chatted at the table, I asked questions about their life, just tried to make conversation as I normally would. They didn't ask much, they pretty much just held her and loved her for 3 hours. And I get that. They only have 3 hours, they probably don't want to shoot the shit or ask us anything, they want to stare at her and gobble her up. But it was the longest 3 hours of my life. I don't say that negatively (OK yes I do, but not negative toward them, I can be compassionate and understand, doesn't make my uneasy feelings not go away).
The birthgrandmother was saddened just as much as the BM, and my heart broke for her, too. That being said, she did make several comments about taking lil bean home with her (some when she didn't know I heard her). I know she was joking, but it felt inappropriate given the situation. At the very end she was holding bean and turned around, started walking away and said, "OK BYE GUYS!" still holding onto bean. Obviously a joke, but I got my Forrest Gump legs ready just in case ;) I know I can not imagine being on their end, and they can't imagine being on this end. I did mention to our social worker that as bean gets older, some comments that the BG made (besides the ones listed, but for privacy I won't list them all), won't be appropriate and we will have to reevaluate what our annual visits look like. My social worker did agree that the comments were inappropriate and that it would have to be addressed in the future. But then she told me after the get together, the BM and BG said they did not think they could see lil bean again, that it was too hard. None of us knew how this would feel until we were in it. I understand if they stick to that and since there are those feelings, my husband and I think it is best for us to go to a few adoption therapy sessions to figure out what is best for our child at this point. I was shaken after the meeting, cried in the car, later that night and the next day. I felt so so sad for the birth family, and felt guilty for having my own uneasy feelings.
You just have to be as sensitive as you can to others, while still making sure you are doing what is best for your family, mainly child. And everyone has different views on open adoption. Some of my friends are dead set against open adoption and think I am nuts. Others think I am Mother Theresa for doing it, but think it is nice, and some think, 'why not?!'
And honestly, I don't think there is a RIGHT answer for everyone that adopts, because like with anything else in life, it is all relative and every family, every person is so different. Hopefully the right choice works for both parties, and that is the best scenario and all we can hope for. And the VERY best case scenario is that our child grows up happy, loved and likes donuts.
I love you more than donuts, lil bean.
Bumbles Baby Mama
