The Three Trimesters of Adoption (with an agency)

We may not get to watch our lil bean grow into a watermelon, or get swollen feet or bellies to flash to the world that we are expecting, but many people DO talk about adoption in trimesters.  According to our agency's version of it, we are now in our third trimester.  Let's take it from the TOP!  Break down the trimesters for us that have heart bumps and not baby bumps!

First trimester:  This is the trimester that may make you the most nauseous just like in a real pregnancy!  Saddle up and hand over the waste basket!

1.) Research!  I can not tell you enough how much this will effect your future of adoption.  Research the crap out of the process, international vs domestic, laws, state by state adoption, etc.  basically ANYthing there is to know, read extensively about it.  I think I did a pretty good job on this part, but of course wish I had known some things sooner.  We have this lovely world wide web to our benefit, USE IT, and use it A LOT.  Make a big color coded insane spreadsheet like we did, and sweat over it, huff and puff about how much information there is out there, go so insane that people ask you why you are so frazzled, you just learning about it, that is when you know you are researching enough.

2.) Pick an agency!  This can be just for the Home Study or a One Stop Shop Agency that goes from A-Z.  We started with one agency that had great reviews, and learned we didn't love them for placement, so switched to another.  Some stuff you HAVE to learn as you go, but start out with a homestudy agency that has good reviews (ask for references!!)

3.) Apply/be accepted/start paperwork hell!  All the buzz about how insane Home Studies are is true.  It is a lot of tedious paperwork, your eyeballs turn a nice shade of scarlet, you will dig up old dust covered documents, make lengthy personal budgets and prove basically everything from financial stability to mental stability.  Say tata to privacy.  The agency will know every cent you have, and how you spend it, go through your medical records, and damnit...I even had to get shots and blood taken!  And of course they will not leave out your fingerprints.  The windows to your law abiding ability.  They will come stalk your house to make sure you are not a meth house and that you have a home ready for a baby.  For us, this included even LOCKING UP all our cleaners, baby proofing the cabinets, etc. You will possibly scream that you can not do this anymore...but you can!  There is a beautiful baby waiting for you at the end of this journey.  But you can do like we did and take all those cabinet locks when they leave.  I mean the baby isn't even close at this point!  Don't tell them I said that.

Second Trimester:  This takes less time than trimester 1, but still can take a while depending what avenue you take.
1.) At this point you have submitted all of your paperwork glory and either stay with your home study agency if they are a one stop shop or settle on a placement agency.  Hopefully you have been researching agencies during trimester 1 if that is your choice.

2.) Now you have to create your profile book that the birthmother will view.  You can handle this by either making it yourself or there are people and companies that make them for you.  I decided that I was creative enough to make it pleasing to the eye without spending 500 fat ones.  I used MyMemories.com ( digital scrapbook) and downloaded their software for around 30 bucks I think?  Then I only bought the 'free' backgrounds, embellishments, etc.  I will warn you.   This was quite tedious.  I am OCD with colors and such, so maybe I made it more tedious on myself.  Some people use more simple ways, or templates, or like I said, say "Screw this, we will pay someone else to do it."  I did love the software though, it had some really nice stuff and I think it turned out great for only having to pay for the software, paper and I printed it at my work.  That is another note...if you want it sturdy like we did (card stock), be prepared to spend a lot if you have to make more than a few books.  If you are only doing one it isn't a big deal.  We had to do 15, it adds up, which is why I kissed up to my boss and he let me do it from there!  #kissass #itworks

3.) Video time!  If your agency requires it like ours does... you will get some questions to answer and must put a video together to showcase all that pizazz you have that isn't quite clear in a book.  So get that haircut, vaseline those teeth (ok ok you can skip this), and act natural!  We have to use a specific company, but if you don't, have a friend or family member shoot, which will help with the 'natural' aspect of it.  Once you are finished with this, submit and we are into the last trimester!

Third Trimester:  The now-it-is-out-of-your-freakin-control trimester!
1.)  WAIT!  This should be just greeeeeeeat if you are a crazy planner like me (note sarcasm)!  You are waiting, and waiting and waiting.  You will get calls saying someone has picked you, you will celebrate, you will jump up and down!  They may change their  mind.  You will stop jumping up and down, and probably cry.  We are just starting this, but from what I have read, this is a very emotional trimester.  You Must prepare yourself to go on an emotional roller coaster.  You should go into it knowing birthmothers DO sometimes change their minds.  And that will be hard.  Some don't, and I pray for myself and you that you are in a situation that goes as smoothly as it can.  In other cases, you may get an 'emergency' call where the birthmother has had a child and that's it...pack the hell up and head on over (in our case can be to a different state), making sure to have the necessities for a newborn!  Then, what I think will be the hardest part of the trimester is once the birthmother/father has signed the papers, they usually have a bit of time to change their mind, depending on state.  There is no way to prepare for this part.  It will be a nerve wracking time.  I imagine we will be begging for time to fly so we reach whatever timeline that is (14, 30 days), yet at the same time trying to bond and savor our time with our newborn.  I will obviously talk more about this trimester once I have been down the path. But I do imagine it will be an intense time period.  So if I act a fool (those of you who personally know me), I apologize ahead of time.  I am already feeling overwhelmed with knowing I will be becoming a new mom, and this all on top of it is sure to make my brain swirl up like spaghetti. 

2.)  You are matched!  If this is the case, you can start planning more than when you don't know the gender.  That being said, keep in mind things CAN change, so I honestly wouldn't go out buying pink tutus or blue bedding just yet!  Everyone is different, but that's my opinion!  If your agency does NOT do emergency placements, you can start getting baby stuff/nesting once you are matched.  If they do, like ours does, we already started nesting, but you can wait until you are actually in the pool, and then NEST IT UP, because you have no idea, that baby could come tomorrow!  Have a bag ready to go in case you get a call...I will write a list of what to bring in another post! 

3.)  Once the baby is born, there are different things that can happen.  Depending on your agency, they may take the baby into foster care during the legal risk period (when BM can change mind).  Lots of people prefer this so they don't get attached just in case.  We decided to go with an agency that does NOT do foster care, risking that we could get attached, but also feeling like if the match goes through, we have been with our child since day 1.  If you are out of state, there are ICPC rules/laws, so you have to wait a certain period of time until you can leave the state with your child.  Find friends or family that live there or do it on up in a hotel!  Though that does sound insane, they say it is a nice bonding experience, no visitors, just you three for x amount of time.  Not gonna lie, seems weird being in another state in a hotel for the first 10 days of our baby's life, but I am sure we will be ok if it comes to that!  Once you are cleared to go home if you are out of state, you go home with your baby!  Keep in mind, if you are sent home after 10 days but the legal risk period is 30 days, there is a SLIGHT possibility birthmother can change her mind again.  This is rare, but can happen.  Once all papers are signed by BM and BF you are basically home free!

4.)  You will have social workers visit during the next 6 months, checking to make sure all is graaaaaaavy.  Around 6 months you will get the rights to your child, and they will officially be yours!  If you have an open adoption, you will start sending pictures and letters, and go from there!  And it will all be worth it :)  Good luck!!!

I may not have a 3rd trimester belly, but I am sleeping as if I do!
Bumpless Baby Mama